If you’ve never gone through sorority recruitment, consider yourself blessed. It’s a process that takes a happy girl excited about meeting new people and drains her of everything that makes her human until she is a ghost of who she once was. Sorority rush is basically the college equivalent of being sent to Azkaban for a week. Except instead of dementors, the houses are manned by swarms of energetic girls chanting aggressively in Greek-lettered apparel. Don’t ask me which one I find scarier, because I honestly couldn’t tell you.
Think I’m being dramatic? Here’s a little insight into a single day of my own personal (Pan)Hell:
5:50 pm I look at the clock and realize I need to be at my first house in 10 minutes. I am currently wearing a onesie, watching Netflix in bed. To shower or not to shower? The eternal conundrum. I resolve it by vaguely splashing myself with water and applying a hefty round of deodorant.
6 pm I’m outside my first house with a group of other potential new members. Two sisters make us line up alphabetically, while the sound of other sisters yelling and singing wafts through the windows. I get the vague sense that I’m about to enter some kind of festive slaughterhouse, or maybe a haunted bat mitzvah.
6:15 pm I finally enter the house. A sister immediately grabs me and drags me to a quiet corner. We commence the “girl flirting” stage, which entails each of us asking questions in high-pitched voices and then immediately spacing out and forgetting to listen to the response. I still can’t get over the weird feeling that this tiny girl is about to eat me alive (is she smiling or baring her teeth?). Also, I find it difficult to speak and smile simultaneously. Is that something people are normally able to do?
7 pm I think I may have blacked out the last forty-five minutes of my life because I do not remember who this girl is or what she has been saying to me. Have I been responding with normal human words or just silently sitting here? I am a bit concerned that I don’t know the answer to this.
7:30 pm I realize I forgot to eat dinner about two seconds before my stomach realizes it.
8 pm So hungry. Have already fully developed PTSD from the questions “What are you majoring in?” and “So what else do you like to do around campus?” I remind myself to book a therapist when this is over.
9 pm One more house. The sisters are dancing and chanting as we enter, but all I see are singing chicken tenders. That can’t be right.
9:45 pm I really hope that “sandwich” was the appropriate response to whatever this girl just asked me, because that is what just came out of my mouth. Every girl in the room has forgotten how to relax their cheek muscles, and their eyes are completely glazed over.
10 pm I’M DONE. I run to the cafeteria and order a round of mozzarella sticks to eat on the walk home. Then I eat a panini in bed (duh). Still a bit shell-shocked but day one of six complete.
As much as rush objectively sucked, it’ll all be worth it in the end (I hope). And if it turns out Greek life isn’t for me, I’ll just replace that hole with this Greek-themed panini. Because if you learn one thing from this column, it should be that the solution to any problem is a grilled sandwich.
Prep Time: 5 minutes
Cook Time: 5-7 minutes
Total Time: About 10 minutes
Servings: 1 (Because you just girl flirted for four hours and now you are HANGRY.)
2 slices olive ciabatta bread
2 tablespoons Kalamata olive spread
3-4 slices feta cheese
4 slices tomato
A blend of sliced red onion, olives, eggplant and bell pepper
A handful of spinach
1. Preheat your panini press to medium heat.
2. Evenly spread Kalamata olive spread (too lazy to use a thesaurus to find a synonym for “spread”) over one slice of bread.
3. Get over your preconceived notions of feta cheese as just a salad topping and toss it on the other slice of bread. This, my friends, is cutting-edge innovation.
4. Layer on the tomato, red onion, olives, eggplant, pepper and, finally, the spinach.
5. Assemble your sandwich and put it in your panini maker for 5-7 minutes—you want the feta to be soft, but not your-brain-after-sorority-rush melted.
6. Let this panini fill the void that the sorority recruitment process has left within you. Although the Greek process is full of uncertainty, but you can always rely on Greek food.