Regardless of their BAC, GPA, or credit card balance, it's inevitable that students of University of Wisconsin have encountered two things in their time in Madison: Ian's and frat parties (not always in that order, nor not always intentionally, but sometimes).
Can we predict where you will end up next Saturday night based on your Ian's Pizza preference?
Maui Waui
Marinara, Mozzarella, Ham, Pineapple, & House-pickled Jalapeños
If Maui Waui is your jam, then you should head to Fiji. Aside from the Fiji Island, the guys in Fiji are super sweet and pretty to look at. Yeah, maybe they're a little fruity, but still a solid choice.
Cheese
No description necessary.
If cheese is your go to, then you should pay a visit to Theta Chi. Such a classic. Cheese is a crowd pleaser, and perfect for feeding the masses. Never met a person who didn't like cheese. Sure, maybe it's not your first choice, but it's never a bad choice.
Cheesy Potato with Ranch
Creme, Mozzarella, Sliced Potato, Cheddar, Asiago, & Ranch
If you're feeling Cheesy Potato with Ranch, then you'd fit right in with the boys of Sigma Alpha Epsilon. This pizza is clearly Midwest born and bred. It's also pretty hard to eat a slice without unbuttoning your pants, but we aren't complaining.
Florentine
Marinara, Mozzarella, Sautéed Spinach, Diced Tomato, & Feta
If Florentine sounds good, you'd thrive at Zeta Beta Tau. Erring on the healthier end of the pizza spectrum, you're clearly thinking about the long term here. It might not be the pizza you gravitate towards after a drunken night out, but definitely something you might be interested in 5 years down the road.
Mac N' Cheese
Creme, Mozzarella, Mac Noodles, & Cheddar
If you're adopting the go big or go home mentality, hit up Kappa Sigma. Honestly, nothing sounds better when you're drunk, but you might feel kind of bad about it the next day. Although it's a little (lot) bit over the top, there's a reason everybody loves it. Also, it has the Instagram aesthetic perfect for your next post.
Pepperoni Sausage
Pretty self explanatory
If you're really feeling a guys night, head to Pike. They are all about their boys here, which can be illustrated by some solid party ratios (girls are in for a treat). People like and know Pepperoni Sausage, but that much meat needs to come in small doses.
Reuben
Thousand Island, Sauer Kraut, Pastrami, and Gruyere
The Reuben is a well-known popular staple at any Jewish Deli, except this time it is placed on a bed of crust. If the Reuben is up your alley, chances are you would enjoy a sweaty night with the men of Alpha Epsilon Pi.
They have their groupies, just like those regulars you spot at your local Deli every Saturday and Sunday morning.
Penne Alfredo
Alfredo, Mozzarella, Penne Noodles, Asiago, & choice of Chicken, Sausage, Ham, and Portobello Mushroom
If you were aroused by the sounds of this pizza, I would implore you to hit up Delta Upsilon. I know it might take itself a little too seriously, but it undeniably sounds good. It's pretty rich, and makes a statement. Just looking at it, you know you want to do inappropriate things.
Thanksgiving
Turkey, cranberry sauce, green beans, mashed potatoes, french fried onions
If you like to break the rules, go to Sigma Epsilon. This pizza isn't technically on the menu right now, therefore we should probably pretend we have no idea what it is.
However, something like that doesn't escape the mind. We really shouldn't be thinking or talking about it, but sometimes you can't help yourself.
The Final Slice
Alas, Ian's Pizza and frat boys. Can't decide which I like better. You're always left with a little regret, yet definitely wanting more. And at the end of the day, University of Wisconsin wouldn't be complete without either one.
P.S. Guy Fieri was in a frat.