Those walking by local Greek establishment Zorba’s Grill recently have witnessed a brand-new bright orange awning. Bearing the name “Say Cheezus,” this covering announces the presence of Princeton’s newest establishment, Kanye West’s new grilled cheese project.
Regrouping after his restaurant company, KW Foods LLC, closed its last Fatburger in 2011, the world’s #1 Kim Kardashian fan has entered the Princeton restaurant scene. I went to explore the 21-time Grammy winner’s newest business venture.
Upon entering the one large room with a counter and deli case hiding a small kitchen, I noticed a strange emptiness. I looked around for someone operating the cash register, but only dim lit surrounded me. My footsteps resonated through the emptiness as I approached the counter, until a bright light suddenly blinded me. While I struggled to regain my vision, I heard a voice mocking my surprise, demanding “you ain’t got no fuckin’ Yeezy in your Serato?” When I regained my composure, I came face to face with a projection of Kanye West’s face. The hologram operated on a loop, obnoxiously repeating “what you order? what you order?” I blocked out the voice to take a look at the menu.
I decided to order a range of Kanye’s creatively named sandwiches. After the face took my order, the kitchen illuminated. I sincerely hoped that the Kardashian clan would not be preparing the food, and luckily saw 2 Chainz behind the stove in the kitchen. For some reason, he was shouting at his wrist the whole time as he hit all the pots with a fork. There were yams scattered everywhere.
The “Gotta Have It”: Three slices of yellow American and one slice of white American. Solid and simple, the sandwich had a little bit of heat. However, the white American had a strange taste and a few hours later, I felt like it was trying to assassinate my character.
The “H.A.M. Sandwich”: Comes with stale white bread that is flat as shit, but the ham so good. Sandwich was harder than a motherfucker. Broke a couple of teeth biting into it. The server kindly offered to replace them with diamonds.
The “Through the Wire”: Pancakes, sizzurp, Ensure, Boost, and Cheddar. A complete mess of a sandwich, the pancakes were wired shut with metal brackets. I could not figure out how to consume this sandwich.
The “Fucking Ridiculous”: Thirty varieties of exotic fishes and other unnamed five star dishes stuffed into one sandwich that was doused in champagne. Truly lives up to its name.
The Cheezus: The description perplexingly read “AAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!” This sandwich took a while to show up, with Kanye’s face repeatedly yelling for 2 Chainz to hurry up with the damn croissants. When the sandwich showed up, I felt a sense of overwhelming confusion. Sandwiched between two croissants was a blank cd case sealed with red tape. As I ate this strange sandwich, I couldn’t help but feel that all it needed was sweet and sour sauce.
I shied away from a few other choices:
The Bound 2: Comes with somethin’ to drink.
The Last Call: Toast, mayonnaise, Miracle Whip. How this still classified as grilled cheese eluded me.
After finishing the meal, I decided that no one should actually bestow Kanye with the “I gotta lot of cheese award.” The incredibly rude, holographic service failed to please, and 2 Chainz would not stop telling me what he wanted for his birthday. Furthermore, while eating a grilled cheese at Olsson’s a few days later, a mysterious man ran up to me, snatched my sandwich, and exclaimed, “Imma let you finish, but Say Cheezus has the best grilled cheese of all time!” I have to conclude that Kanye West’s creative genius translates better to the musical world than to the culinary world.
This is a joke post for April Fools Day. For a review of a real grilled cheese restaurant, check out our review of Olsson’s Fine Foods. Also check out the inspiration for this story, Say Cheez at 183 Nassau St.