As the election cycle progresses, many people are shocked with the mass of support that Donald Trump has managed to gain. His opponents are just as vocal. We at Bro Spoon have our own reasons for opposition, ones that aren’t as widely discussed in the media: his atrocious food habits.
Pizza is not a difficult food. You pick it up, maybe fold it, and put it in your mouth. Pretty standard qualification to be considered a normal human being. Yet, somehow, a prominent businessman from New York (supposedly the mecca of pizza) managed to screw up this basic concept.
Trump is on the record as saying, “I scrape the toppings off my pizza — I never eat the dough.” This means that every slice of pizza he eats is transformed into a stupid cheese casserole that should never have earned the title of pizza in the first place.
The dude’s obsessed with McDonald’s. He claims to be worth billions of dollars, but he prefers heart attack-inducing fast food. Even worse, he once said that his favorite menu item was the “fish delight,” which doesn’t actually exist. If you go to Mickey D’s, at least get a Big Mac and fries.
This is just more great advice from the Trump campaign on how to live a healthy, happy and American lifestyle. What an excellent role model. No wonder our country is obese.
Now, any self-respecting bro is obviously a huge steak fan, so off the bat we should admire this initiative. Supposedly they were even sourced from a specialty meat company, and we’re all about special meat.
When Trump the Master Businessman goes to market his special meat, it should be easy. Everyone loves steak. But for some reason, our friend Donald decided to sell his steaks at the Sharper Image. This store specializes in massage chairs and air purifiers. Air purifiers.
We may not be master chefs, but there’s something wrong with buying steaks alongside specialty appliances. Steak should be bought with bacon and steak sauce. The fact that The Sharper Image sells neither of those should have been a major red flag.
Donald Trump’s favorite food is meatloaf. Yes, the meatloaf that is literally the scraps of meat too shitty for real cuts of meat shoved together into a weird amalgamation only edible with sauce. Most of us only tolerate this when we can’t afford regular meat. Donald seeks it out, possibly because he is too ashamed of his history with steak.
If you eat like a bro, you love to drink. Even though Donald sounds like he’s had enough cocktails to intoxicate a large bear, he says he has never had an alcoholic drink. While we could never hate someone for deciding not to drink (for the same reason we don’t cuss out every vegetarian we meet), a hypocritical red flag is raised by Trump Vodka.
This company bore Trump’s name and, just like his steak endeavor, flushed itself down the toilet. A businessman with poor taste in food and an aversion to drinking decides to start a vodka company. The founding bros are rolling over in their graves.
Conclusion: Donald is dust.