As the general presidential election draws nearer and primaries are passing us by, the American people (at least most that I’ve spoken too) are getting increasingly scared. With an unusually loud and outspoken crowd on the Republican side, and a scandal-prone woman and self-proclaimed socialist battling it out on the left, people are freaking out. So we’ve decided to help you out with a little guide to ease your tensions (or drown your sorrows). If you’re voting in 2016, here’s what you should be drinking based on your choice for POTUS.
Donald Trump: Diva Vodka
A bottle of of this beautifully crafted, Swarovski crystal infused vodka can cost up to, or more than, a million dollars. This is about as much as the small loan Donald Trump received from his father.
Ted Cruz: Jäger Bomb
If you’re into Ted Cruz, you’re used to the general aversion of the rest of the Republican party. This is why the Jäger bomb is the perfect drink for you. It’s often disliked by anyone who goes near it, and will definitely keep you up worrying late into the night.
Hillary Clinton: Scotch
As a Hillary supporter, you’re definitely very familiar with all aspects of her by now. Similar to scotch, she’s been around for a while (arguably too long for some people). You either love her or you hate her, just like a fine Scotch. And of course, she tends to be a bit smoky with her intentions every now and again.
Ben Carson: Coca-Cola
Let’s be clear here, Coca-cola is the perfect drink for Dr. Ben Carson. For a genius of a neurosurgeon, he hasn’t quite figured out that he must know about the rest of the world in order to be President of the United States. Moral of the story: if you’re unable to name a single foreign leader, you’re not allowed to drink alcohol.
Marco Rubio: Mojito
A cuban drink is perfect for you if you’re a fan of Marco Rubio. His Cuban heritage is a very important part of him and makes him unique. However, you could also fancy this drink as a tribute to Rubio’s strong stance against everything Cuban in the future (somewhat ironically). Whichever of these that you prefer, a mojito will help you get through the next debate as he continues to repeat himself.
Bernie Sanders: Mulled Wine
If you’re #feelingthebern, ending the night with a nice glass of mulled wine (commonly referred to as glögg in the model country for his campaign) is a good idea. Age-old and loved by all of Europe, it is a completely new and heinously radical idea in America, similarly to Bernie’s politics.
Jeb Bush: Cider
Finally, and ironically, we have Jeb Bush. If you’re a Jeb Bush fan, go to the bar and order a cider. Cider, around for as long as beer, can never seem to get a word in edge-wise. Similar to Jeb Bush, with a name very familiar to most Americans, and the inability to get any questions pointed towards him during the debates, cider always seems to get the short end of the stick (and now that he’s dropped out, you have even more reason to grab that drink).