You wake up grudgingly, summoning the requisite energy to roll yourself out of bed. Heading to the sink, you wash the sleep from your face and already the craving has set in. The flickering in your head, the sensation in your bones, the morning stiffness, all drawing you to a warm cup of what you need. You let it pour, and as you sink into its delicate warmness, you think, “damn, I could totally write an article comparing coffee to sex positions.”
Morning brewed coffee – Missionary
Much like you start the day with simple brewed coffee, most sex starts off in missionary. It’s simple, there’s no fuss and it definitely gets the job done. Your morning cup will not break your wallet and missionary will not break your back (or your wallet). But you love it because it’s all the right things – it’s warm, it’s comfortable and you can really make it your own, adjusting sweetness, adding cream (whipped or otherwise) and maybe throwing a leg over your shoulder every now and then.
Latte – CAT (Coital alignment technique)
There really should be nothing special about this one. It’s pretty much missionary – milk and coffee – and putting a fancy name on it should not change that. But there is something, isn’t there? That subtle change of angles, the way everything fits together just a little differently. If a Latte is regular coffee elevated, then CAT is missionary on a whole other plane.
#SpoonTip: If you do not know what CAT is, especially if you are a dude, go learn. No really, stop reading this article and go do that.
Cappuccino – Girl on Top
If Latte’s characterise sex with the guy on top then cappuccino’s are the lighter, more bubbly alternative. Having the girl on top is fun and energetic but also smooth and fluid. Much like the first sips of a good cappuccino, no matter how many times you do it, it’s still exciting and pulls you right in.
Macchiato – Cowgirl
Take a cappucino, strip away anything that isn’t foam or espresso, and you have a macchiato. Do something similar to girl on top and you are left with cowgirl. What these two lose in their warmth and intimacy, they make up for in lightness and energy.
Espresso – Doggy Style
Some will say its raw, primal and maybe a little over the top. Others will argue that it’s rewarding and has its nuances. Either way, doggy style is espresso.
Chai Tea Latte – Lotus
Much like the chai tea latte, the lotus has its origins in India. Much like the chai tea latte, the lotus has been bastardised almost beyond recognition. I want to say I don’t enjoy either, but that’s not true. There’s a charm to them. The spice and exoticism of something new with the comfort of the familiar. The surprising intimacy the lotus brings and the way they make you rediscover what you thought had been so familiar.
Mocha – Spooning
If mocha is your hot chocolate all grown up, then spooning is what happened to cuddling somewhere between high school and college. Comfortable and relaxed without ever being overbearing. These two are meant to keep you warm in bed on a cold day.
Frappuccino – 69
Yes, I know this is as much a milkshake as it is coffee. Yes, I know it probably looked better than it’s going to be. But you know what? I don’t care – it’s fun, it’s delicious and I’ve already ordered some.
Instant Coffee – Getting Handsy
There’s a saying on the internet that goes, “The best handjobs are those given with the mouth.” Similarly, the best instant coffee is made with ground beans in a french press. But you work with what you have. Maybe you just really need to stay awake, maybe you are staying over with a friend and this is all they offer.
Pumpkin Spice Latte – Masturbation
Despite the hate and vitriol against them, both pumpkin spice lattes and masturbation have been a fixture of society. And evidently there’s more people consuming both then would ever admit to your face. Should you feel any guilt having one? No, not at all. Should you post it all over your Snapchat and Instagram? Probably not.
Author note: I want to acknowledge that this article reflects a hetro-normative, somewhat male centric viewpoint.