As an astronomy major, people are always asking me to read their horoscopes. Deciding to let the stars guide my decision-making, I recently explored What Kind of Donut You Should Eat, Based on Your Zodiac Sign to see if it had any accuracy. After my zodiac sign, Sagittarius, guided me towards an indulgent chocolate donut, I thought, why not use it to dictate other aspects of a college student’s life, like our Starbucks addiction? So, the next time you wander into one of these Heaven on Earths for Basic Bitches, let your zodiac sign determine what you should order.
Aries (March 21st–April 20th) — Green Tea Latte
Known for their pioneering and courageous taste buds, only Aries would be brave enough to taste the interestingly green beverage. While it isn’t coffee, the distinctive green tea leaves provide almost as much caffeine. Even though its bright green color seems a little unnatural, an Aries would never judge a drink by its appearance.
Taurus (April 21st–May 21st) — Pumpkin Spice Latte
The only thing one can pair with a pumpkin spice donut is the pumpkin spice latte. A Taurus patiently awaits the arrival of this seasonal drink at Starbucks every year. The festive drink is well worth the wait, as nothing says fall like a pumpkin spice latte.
Gemini (May 22nd–June 21st) — Caramel Frappuccino
A Geminis versatile nature requires him or her to be able to adapt effortlessly to any situation and be quick on his or her toes. The Caramel Frappuccino combines the energy from coffee, caramel, and ice to keep everyone alert. Red Bull might give you wings, but nothing will get in the way of a Gemini on a Caramel Frap-high.
Cancer (June 22nd–July 22nd) — Iced Coffee
Someone as cautious as a Cancer isn’t going to venture out of their comfort zone to try the most exotic drink. Rather, they will opt for a simple, refreshing iced coffee. With a splash of milk, this classic drink proves that less is more.
Leo (June 23rd–August 21st) — Flavored Coffee
A Leo is always looking for a way to spark creativity, and what better way to do so than by coffee? Flavored coffees are ideal for a Leo because there are so many flavors to choose from, ranging from french vanilla to chocolate chip cookie to even fruity options.
Virgo (August 22nd–September 23rd) — Caffeine Pills
Sometimes, we don’t have the time and money to go on a Starbucks run. A practical Virgo realizes that the only reason to drink coffee is to absorb the caffeine. Why spend $5 on a cup of coffee when you could get a little pill that’ll do the job for 15 cents a pill at CVS? It is less glamorous than a fancy double joe with non-fat milk, whipped cream, and extra sprinkles, but a Virgo doesn’t have time for that.
#SpoonTip: caffeine pills are not super awesome for you, so we don’t recommend their prolonged use.
Libra (September 23rd–October 24th) — Café au Lait
Libras are known for balance in all aspects of their lives. When ordering coffee, we must be able to balance the bitterness of coffee with the sweetness of cream and sugar. Café au lait is the perfect balance of the two: no unnecessary sugars and sweeteners, and just the right amount of steamed milk. There is no better drink for hitting the books like a Libra is known to do.
Scorpio (October 24th–November 22nd) — Espresso Shots
Under the guise of plain coffee, the outside of espresso appears to be nothing special. However, like the secretly passionate Scorpio, every sip reveals the hidden intense, bittersweet flavors that embody this powerful caffeine source.
Sagittarius (November 23rd–December 22nd) — Hot Chocolate
I am always a little biased when it comes to Sagittarius. However, no drink brings optimism and happiness to people of all ages quite like hot chocolate. Even the grouchiest grinch can find solace with a nice mug of hot chocolate in their hands. And with a caffeine count of basically zero, a Sagittarius can enjoy this drink both in the morning and at night.
Capricorn (December 23rd–January 20th) — Water
Capricorns bear enough wisdom to know it isn’t safe to develop a caffeine dependence. Yes, these are the people who walk into a Starbucks and skip the line to grab a plastic cup and fill it with the healthiest form of refreshment: water.
Aquarius (January 21st–February 19th) — Black Coffee
An Aquarius wants a coffee as honest and loyal as they. They don’t want to be seduced by the call of sugary blended drinks or fancy new lattes, only to be unpleasantly surprised. Thus, they pick plain black coffee. With no added or surprise ingredients, what you see is what you get.
Pisces (February 20th–March 20th) — Decaf
Poor Pisces…they are so selfless and kind that they wait for everyone else to order before ordering for themselves. At this point, the only coffee left is decaf. Hey, better than nothing, right?
Next time you go to your local Starbucks or neighborhood coffee shop, look to the stars for inspiration. If you’re going to follow your horoscope in other aspects of your life, why not feel inspired for the most important choice of all, your coffee order?