2016 is an exciting year to be a college student. It’s an election year, and for many of us, it’s the first presidential election in which we get to cast a vote. How rad is that?
You’ve probably been hearing plenty about the election from your family, your friends, the Internet, campus political organizations, student activists, TV… let’s be honest, the media coverage of a presidential election is really, really hard to avoid. Maybe you already know exactly who you’re voting for. Maybe you’ve been campaigning and canvassing and phone-banking on the behalf of your guy (or your lady) for months already. Maybe you’ve been showering your Facebook newsfeed with the dankest of Bernie Sanders memes like a glittery, Democratic socialist hailstorm. Get in losers, we’re going caucusing!
And maybe all this campaigning and politically informing yourself and others and actually being old enough to have a say has made you a little hungry. Planting trees for the next generation to have shade to sit in can be hard work sometimes. Throwing shade? Even harder. Where does the politically-engaged millennial go for dinner after a long day of arguing with people in comments sections? That might depend on who you support. Here’re some options to consider:
Jeb’s Taco Shack
In the mood for some comprehensive immigration reform (and maybe some flautas)? Jeb’s your guy. The shack serves authentic Mexican food for all you valuable minority voters and #honoraryLatinos to enjoy. They even do table-side guac, in an official licensed Jeb Bush GuacaBowle.
In fact, you can take one home yourself, for $75 dollars. Just don’t ask for his secret recipe, and don’t ever make it obvious that you’re an unwed mother. You might get an extra helping of public shame with those refried beans.
Reviewers have called Jeb’s Taco Shack’s atmosphere “a lot quieter” than other establishments, but there’s nothing wrong with that. It might be exactly what you’re looking after spending too much time in a political climate rife with one-upmanship and media-friendly sound bytes. Maybe you just want to enjoy a meal without arguments over who the toughest guy in the room is. After all, we’re all amigos here. Please clap.
Extravaganza: A Donald Trump Experience
Ever wanted to just walk into a place, have them immediately recognize you, order a steak as thick as your arm and have it served to you by beautiful women while you smoke cigars and play blackjack? And maybe ride on an indoor waterslide, too?
Sure, everyone has at some point. Everyone daydreams about the kind of life they could be living if they were a wealthy businessman. The fact is, plenty of people aren’t born into the kind of life where their father can offer them a small loan of a million dollars when they’re just starting out.
This is why Extravaganza is offering a special deal this election season: IF you can manage to scale the wall built around the place, get past the border control maître d’s, AND present a flyer from a competing restaurant, you can get a free beer before being deported from the premises.
Extravaganza might be all you’re hearing about (I’ve heard customers don’t even have to exercise political correctness in there) to the detriment of other, more affordable options. And supposedly, those steaks just cut like butter.
But you should really, really consider looking beyond the perpetual coverage of the Trump Extravaganza, and looking into the rest of the candidates – er, I mean, culinary scene. Chef Trump may want to Steak America Great Again, but don’t be fooled. No matter how much the commercials on TV may make you laugh, it’s really not a place America can afford to go.
Carson’s Grain Pyramid and Lounge
This quirky independent bakery is coming to a shop on a street corner near you. They serve pumpernickel bread, raisin bread, even bagels. Know why? Because America is the bread basket of the world.
There is also couches for you to nap on if you feel like dozing off (Carson looks a little sleepy demonstrating his dough kneading technique) and the bakers are all actually accountants, because being really good at one job totally qualifies you for other jobs, too.
Okay, first, let’s dispel with the fiction that Marco Rubio doesn’t know what he’s doing. He knows exactly what he’s doing. He’s the young, bright spark on the culinary scene who’s going to make you think he’s figured out a hip, fresh way to maintain the status quo. How, you may ask? By doing exactly the same thing that’s been done a million times before, without making anyone important feel uncomfortable. His team told him that maintaining eye contact makes people trustworthy.
Every single menu item is agreed upon and regulated by a certified panel of food experts and advisors, to make sure there are no surprises. They serve everybody’s favorites. Your glass of water will never be empty. Every server is trained to an absolute polish – a chrome polish, in fact, because the servers are all robots.
Just don’t ask them any hard-hitting questions. They can only memorize so much; how can you expect them to know about the soup of the day when they have such a big fiction to dispel about Barack Obama, the guy who knows exactly what he’s doing?
Hill and Bill’s Family Diner
Hey now, this place served fish and chips last time I checked. You’re a diner now? Wait, I just looked away for a second, now you do Sunday brunch?
Can I look at your allergy information? What do you mean, it’s classified? Don’t you think that’s something that people patronizing your establishment ought to know?
Well, what do you serve anyways? I’m cool with whatever.
This is that tiny hole in the wall that started as a whisper among college students and eventually grew in popularity far beyond everyone’s expectations. Now there’s a line out the door. (Service moves pretty slowly because they use their profits to run a soup kitchen out the back.) Now you can enjoy good old-fashioned (or good, new, progressive) grub the way your daffy but passionate grandpa used to make.
And sure, prices are a little higher for everyone across the board, and what you’ve heard about wealthier customers being asked to pay a little more for their food or encouraged to volunteer at the soup kitchen is true. What of it? That extra revenue goes into making sure the waitstaff have a living wage and don’t need to rely on tips. No more mental math trying to figure out exactly how much 20% is, and if your server deserved the full 20%.
Just watch out for that hot sauce. I hear it’s a little spicy; you might end up feeling the Bern.
Of course, picking the right presidential candidate for you really isn’t as easy as the choice between tacos and ribs. Everyone has different views about what’s right for the country, and the rad thing about democracy is that everyone has a right to have their say! Visit ISideWith right now, take the quiz, get informed, and get to know the political platforms of 2016’s broad range of candidates – beyond the sound bytes.
Author’s Note: This article does not include Ted Cruz’s restaurant because his face has been scientifically proven to be hard to look at, and it might be bad for views. Any jokes the author may have made about his restaurant serving nothing but melted ice cream and tuna melts because of his melty Pillsbury face would have been lazy and in very poor taste.