Valentine’s Day conversation hearts are inherently biased toward people who are either in a relationship or who are assumed to be lusted after by another individual. This is nonsense because even couples know that sometimes the best company is no company at all. “Be Mine,” the candy hearts say. No. Freaking. Thanks. I belong to no one, you crystalized sugar shapes.
In a noble attempt to fight the common misconception that Valentine’s Day is for lovers only, we’re proud to present the ever-comforting: Valentine’s Day Conversation Hearts for Single People.
*Looks at phone* 3 missed calls “ICE MOM,” two missed FaceTimes “ICE MOM” and two text messages. One from “ICE MOM” that reads, “Dad and I thinking of you today. What is Tinder? Sending chocolate in the mail, remember portion control.” One from your roommate that reads, “Can you unload the dishwasher when you get home?”
Irrational fear #2239: Accidentally touching someone else’s bare feet with your bare feet in the middle of the night.
Let it flow and grow my friend. Save your shower drain the clogging, spare your regions the pain of ingrown hair and embrace how unintentionally adorable you are, now that you resemble a furry bear. You’re putting the “aw” in au natural, and you’ve never looked better.
One of two reasons you’d be disrobing this Valentine’s Day: 1. In an attempt to tide-to-go the marinara patches dotting your shirt after you find yourself reaching for your 7th slice of pie. 2. The sheer sight of melted mozzarella, which has left you aroused, with giant pit stains and in desperate need of a fresh shirt. Either way, more pizza.
Great news – in half of the country, it’s legal to date your cousin. This gives you a 50/50 chance of being able to rest easy knowing extended family dinners might never change. (phew). Honestly, your grandpa can barely remember your mom’s name, so what’s the point of stressing him out by adding in someone unrelated, anyway?
Boyfriends, friends, pets and family members (TBH) come and go, but tequila is forever.
Please, conversation hearts, tell me something I don’t know.
You have zero commitment to someone else, and there are zero expectations. Comes home from work at 5 *takes off pants.* Orders takeout *takes off pants.* It’s Satuday *takes off pants.* Is single *forgoes pants forever, until the end of time, never plunges so much as a calf into the dark abyss of a jean tunnel.*
Valentine’s Day = endless two-for-ones, and you’re definitely not sharing with another human, but you are definitely eating both items for the price of one. You can also apologize to your dog and explain there’s probably either chocolate or raisins in your steak dish – so you can’t really spare any of your filet. Love you still, though, Sparky.
Honestly, I wake up most mornings feeling reassured that both of these people are still potential prospects. Why would you ever do yourself the disservice of closing yourself off to either of these completely feasible options?