I hate chocolate. There, I said it. For as long as I can remember, I have hated chocolate. I wish I could say that I've hated it my whole life. Unfortunately, that isn't the case. For my 1st birthday, my parents bought a chocolate cake, and – much to my horror – there is evidence that I ate it. Seriously.
Anyway, my taste buds changed drastically between the time that photo was taken and the age at which I started retaining memories. As it turns out, chocolate is a pretty important food group to just about everyone else. Having gone most of my life without this delicacy, I have become a professional at navigating the ups and downs of a life without chocolate.
I've compiled a list of some of the most common occurrences when people find out I hate chocolate. If you are a fellow chocolate-hater, I hope you can relate. If you're not, please refrain from doing some of the following in the future.
1. You always have an icebreaker on hand
Once I got to college, I thought we would stop playing silly "get to know you" games on the first day of a new class. Unfortunately, I was wrong. On the bright side, there isn't a game of "two truths and a lie" that I can't win. People simply can't believe that I actually hate chocolate; so, naturally, they think it's the lie. First day icebreakers might suck, but seeing the looks of surprise on people's faces sure doesn't.
2. People who barely know you already think you're crazy
I mean you might actually be crazy, but they could at least get to know you better before jumping to that conclusion. Every time someone new finds out you don't like chocolate, they have the same shocked reaction. It's like admitting to hating puppies or something. Simply unheard of!
3. Awkwardly declining when people offer you chocolate
It's one thing when someone you don't know well offers it to you. It's a whole other realm of awkward annoyance when you have to remind someone who already knows, and really should remember. *Cough* my best friends *cough.* It's a vicious cycle, really, because reminding people you hate something they love results in #2 all over again.
4. Having to describe what exactly you dislike about it
The infamous question, "How can you hate chocolate?" often leads to, "What don't you like about it?" Honestly, it could be the taste, the smell, the texture... An easier question would be, "Is there anything you do like about it?" My answer? No.
5. Knowing you hate it, but craving it anyway
Everything is fine until your roommates make a batch of brownies, and there are no other sweets in the house. Or until the only pastries left in the coffee shop display are chocolate. These are the moments that make you question your taste buds – and sanity – more than anything else.
6. Having your Halloween candy picked over by your friends and family
Some of the saddest moments of my childhood occurred on Halloween night. The excitement of counting candy was quickly stifled by the realization that more than half of it is chocolate. At least my parents got something out of taking me trick-or-treating all of those years.
7. Watching everyone else eat your free birthday dessert
Going out to dinner for a birthday is quite an experience if you go to the right places. They sing, they clap, and–best of all–bring you free dessert. It's great fun until you realize your birthday treat is covered in chocolate syrup. But you have to accept it gratefully, because how can you complain about a free dessert? Plus, your friends and family would be pissed if they didn't get a bite.
8. Knowing that it's really for the best
As much as I wish I liked chocolate, I also realize it's a blessing in disguise that I don't. I really don't need the extra calories, and my sweet tooth is demanding enough without adding chocolate to the mix. My dentist is in strong agreement.
Hating chocolate seems so simple to me. Everyone hates something, but nothing seems to elicit quite the reaction that hating chocolate does. It must be the mere idea of a life without chocolate that pushes people over the edge. I've come to terms with my "affliction." It's a part of myself that I've accepted, even though my friends probably never will. Hating chocolate might create some awkward situations, but I take pride in the fact that I've survived without it, when so few others can say the same.