Dearly beloved, we are gathered here today to honour and uphold our fellow comrades in their efforts against hunger. We must celebrate student bravery, courage, and finesse in the face of adversity.
Whether it be three upcoming midterms or just crippling laziness, these daring souls scoured the bottoms of their pantries to scrape together meals that make your instant noodles look gourmet.
We commend these students for their innovation, we raise a glass to their honesty, and we pray to the Overheard Overlords that we may never make meals as sad as these:
1. End Loaves of Old Bread with Ketchup and Mayo
“I was out of money and food. I cried.” -Anonymous 2nd year History student
Extra points for skipping the salt, and seasoning the sandwich with tears. Mmm, the flavours of desperation and sorrow. You go, Glen Coco.
2. Cold Vegetable Broth with Chunks of Cheese
“Six essays due that week.” -Anonymous 3rd year History student
Like a French onion soup, except not. This chef couldn’t have even been bothered to press a few buttons on the microwave. Clearly, there’s so much wrong in what could have been a big bowl of right.
3. Cheesy Cheerios
“Desperate times call for desperate snacks.” -Anonymous 3rd year English student
You’re lying to yourself if you think this doesn’t look good. I mean, technically speaking, it’s sweet+savoury, which sounds like something both Gordon and Graham would approve of. I’m not saying that I ate it after the photo shoot, but I’m not saying I didn’t either.
4. Guacamole, Popcorn, and Peanut Butter on an Expired Tortilla
“I’m cringing.” -Anonymous 3rd year Commerce student
Every college or university student knows the golden rule: waste nothing but time (taking that “Which Donut Topping Are You?” quiz on Buzzfeed was totally necessary). Expiry dates are only a suggestion when you’re living off OSAP, and the 5-second rule turns into the 5-minute rule or the nobody-saw-me-drop-it rule.
This dish has it all: veggies, protein, carbs, and heartbreak.
5. Nutella Pasta
“It may look like shit, but it gives me a tastegasm every time.” -Anonymous 3rd year Biology student
This decadent dessert has graced us with its presence in so many forms— on toast, in brownies, and now, as a watery sauce. Step aside alfredo, and move along rosé. Make way for diabetes.
6. Bro Stew
Anonymous 4th year History student
The story behind this exquisite cuisine started as they all do: with a hungry man. After overcooking his pasta until all of the water evaporated, he decided to season his massive lump of noodles with some crumbled chips. (Doritos actually work well as seasoning).
Upon discovering that, for some reason, his carb medley was too dry, he emptied the contents of his leftover beer into the mix. You, sir, are truly an inspiration to us all.
7. Microwaved Cheese on a Plate
“I was craving a grilled cheese, out of bread, and the store just seemed too far away.” -Anonymous 2nd year Drama student
This dish, my personal favorite, completely embodies what it means to be a student. Screw cookbooks and their rules. You’re going to melt your own damn cheese any way you want to, because you’re an adult, and you just spent the last of your grocery budget on Friday night at Smoke’s.
While these pathetic submissions were the cream of the crop, honourable mentions include cereal with water, peanut butter-dipped broccoli, and boiled water with ramen seasoning (no noodles).
To every lazy, beautiful soul who has devoured a bag of chips or mini eggs for dinner: we salute you. These memoirs form only the tip of the iceberg.
For more gross, yet, hilarious college meals: