New Girl is a newer, less functional, but just as hilarious version of Friends. This show revolves around a group of friends living in L.A. who can’t quite figure their lives out. New Girl episodes are never lacking in words of wisdom to live by, especially when dealing with life’s troubles. The characters tackle their issues like any self-respecting adults would: by drinking.
When in a pickle, remember:
1. The fruitier the drink, the more fun you become.
Boys, it’s time we stop this terrible idea that fruity drinks are just for women. These drinks, although not subtle, are the most delicious things on the menu (and the most dangerous). You can’t even taste what’s in them, but that doesn’t mean it won’t do its job. Soon, you’ll be as fun as your drink. Do it, order that pineapple-banana-deliciousness cocktail that looks just as good as it tastes. Make sure there’s little pink umbrella that comes with it.
2. Remember the two most important words in the english language: Pink. Wine.
Need a boost of confidence to talk to that hottie in the corner you’ve totally been making eye contact with all night? Here’s the perfect wingman: a big ol’ glass of some rosé. It’s yummy, oh-so pretty to look at, and it lets you know that you’re looking pretty good yourself.
3. When it comes to wine, the cheaper, the better.
Cheap tequila? You might as well just save some money and drink gasoline. But wine is delicious no matter what the number is after the dollar sign. High, low, three digits or one, all wine is created equally. Even if you’re on a budget, that doesn’t mean your taste buds have to suffer.
4. In general, wine solves any problem.
Hard day? Broke up with your honey? Got in a fight with your best friend? Draw that bath, light some candles, put on some Taylor Swift (or Adele, both are equally soothing and effective), and pour yourself a glass of wine. Repeat as necessary until symptoms have subsided. Doctor’s orders.
5. Fancy alcohol makes you fancy.
Need to impress your girlfriend or boss? Fake it ’til you make it. Take a sip of scotch, say some fancy words to describe the taste that you swear is the same as every other scotch you’ve ever tasted (assuming this isn’t your first sip of scotch in your life), and watch the eyes around you widen with amazement. You’re instantly a genius. But don’t worry, this will be our little secret.
6. Your booze, your rules.
Alcohol doesn’t just make you more fun, it makes the whole night more fun. Play all the games you learned in high school and college, and when you run out of those, just make your own. Night-in or night-out, no night needs to be a boring one.
7. No regrets. No judgment.
Alcohol will never judge you and never leave you. It doesn’t own a watch. It’s none of its business what time it is or how much you’re drinking. It is simply honored to be a part of your daily routine. People judge, but alcohol knows when to shut up and listen.
8. Everyone always has enough money for alcohol.
Keeping it consistent with every other sitcom ever created, this show consists of a lot of drinking but very little paying. I mean, they pay “True American” as much as possible, even though Schmitt is the only one of them with a consistent job that pays well. They go to the bar very often; like, creeping up on How I Met Your Mother, often. Conclusion: the booze must be free, so drink up as much as you want.
Okay, so it isn’t actually free. *cue disappointed “awww’s”* But, it is true that you never have to pay a fortune.
A little dysfunctional or not, these all seem to be working out pretty well for our friends in the loft. I mean, Nick Miller lives off beer half the time, and he’s getting along just fine. So gang, always remember: stay fruity, stay fancy, and stay pink.