Halloween is right around the corner and being in college, it’s nice to reminisce about all those fun times trick-or-treating way back when. It’s also nice to throw some retrospective shade at all the different kinds of neighbors you encountered as a kid. Every neighborhood has these fun, or unfathomably boring, characters:
1. The Dentist
I don’t want your floss, for the last damn time. Also, sugar-free candy is just disgusting. Do a service to the world and just give in to this glorious holiday, please. If anything, giving us real candy that’ll actually rot our teeth will improve your business. Dentists+Candy+Halloween=Profit.
2. The King-Size Candy Lords/Ladies
You are a god and I love you, especially when you give Wonka bars. I may even start a whole new religion solely dedicated to you. You’re pretty cool. Thank you for existing.
3. The Lazy Bowl People
We know you’re inside watching a horror flick. Where’s the Halloween spirit? You have a giant bowl and an atrociously scrawled sign that reads “Take 2 Please.” I know you’re secretly keeping all of this candy for yourself afterwards, which is why you only want me to take two. Two of what? Two handfuls? Two pounds? Okay. Thanks.
4. The Bowl Parents
You deserve more respect than “the lazy bowl people,” because chances are, you have a bowl out because you yourself are out taking your own kids trick-or-treating, and I respect that.
5. The Health Nuts
As much as I like apples, it’s Halloween. No apples please, unless they’re those divine apple caramel pops.
6. The Halloween Fanatics
Spooky music, cotton cobwebs, badass decorations, creepy overall ambiance; I appreciate your spirit. However, I may or may not be a bit intimidated as I approach your door in anticipation of a jump scare.
7. The Ashamed Hiders
They turn all of their lights off, close all of their blinds. We know you’re in there and we know you forgot to buy candy. Yeah, maybe it’s best that you’re staying inside and hiding.
8. The Terrible People with the Terrible Hand Bowl Thing
No, that’s not fun at all. The batteries are dying and the speakers on that thing probably blew out last year. I would really hate for my hand to get stuck under that terribly tacky green hand. Do less, please.
9. The Parents with Adorable Young Kids
It’s past 8 pm. The kids are back inside, and they’re giving you candy now. Is this some sort of power shift? Whatever it is, I’m fine with it because the kids are freaking adorable in their princess dresses and pirate hats.
10. The People Who Think the “Child’s Play” Candy Pack is Okay
They’re wrong. That’s all. Tootsie Rolls, Dots, and Mini Tootsie Pops will never satisfy my candy craving. If you think that those are all decent candies, you’re lying to yourself.
11. The Foreign Candy Givers
I mean, cool, I guess. I appreciate diversity. Although, more Hi-Chews please, less corn-flavored gummies and spicy candy. Thanks.
12. The People Who Say, “Aren’t you too old to be trick-or-treating?”
Stop crushing my dreams. I’m trick-or-treating for UNICEF and I want your candy too, is that so bad? Please don’t judge me, especially since I put minimal effort into this costume.
13. Your Parents
Hopefully, your parents are the coolest on this list. It’s always nice to finish up your rounds by trick-or-treating at your own house before coming inside to inspect and count your bounty.