We all know the story: In 1621, the year following the landing of the Mayflower, the Pilgrims endured a harsh winter in their new established settlement. The native Wampanoag then befriended the Pilgrims, sharing their strong knowledge with the new neighbors on how to cultivate corn, catch fish and hunt local game.
After a successful autumn harvest, the Pilgrims and the Pokanoket tribe of the Wampanoag nation decide to celebrate this triumph by sharing a massive meal, known today as the first Thanksgiving.
But what if the Mayflower didn’t land in Massachusetts? What if the Plymouth Colony was settled on the grounds of a college campus?
The result is native college students sharing their wisdom with the Pilgrims, creating a meal without fowl that probably seems foul to anyone but the locals themselves.
Here’s what what would be on the Thanksgiving menu:
Life at school wouldn’t be complete without that weekly (at the bare minimum) trip to Chipotle, just as Thanksgiving wouldn’t be what it is without turkey.
Pilgrims, smother this beauty in
gravy guac and gobble up — we’re glad you’ve established freedom of religious prosecution, because you are about to experience the spiritual event that is Chipotle.
The first side dish of Thanksgiving, if it were up to the kids on campus, would have definitely been ramen noodles. Quick, easy, and full of variety, ramen is the perfect stuff in (see what I did there?) the pantry to put together for this iconic meal.
Just imagine if the Pilgrims also had this college requirement to live off of — they’d never need to waste time harvesting or cooking again.
Mashed Potatoes: French Fries
Students obviously share the same idea with Thanksgiving traditionalists of using potatoes in the greatest meal of the year. But why settle for eating potatoes in their second best state?
We college kids know that french fries are among the top foods of all time, at any hour of the day. The Pilgrims may have found promising new land, but it’s a shame that they weren’t shown the true beauty of frying potatoes.
Sweet Potatoes: Peanut Butter
Although sweet potatoes are a good option for orangish-brown colored food, it wouldn’t be the first choice by students — peanut butter is much more ideal. The delicacy of the dorm room, peanut butter tastes great with almost everything its paired with — especially a spoon.
Mac & Cheese: Easy Mac
We’re not talking about momma’s homemade recipe with real sharp cheddar cheese thats made with love in every macaroni elbow; we’re referring to none other than the glory of Kraft and Velveeta: boxes and cups containing macaroni in various shapes, from shells to cartoon characters, which are then mixed in with a powder that somehow creates cheese sauce. All done in five to ten minutes.
So take a breather mom, we can make the mac and cheese for the family in this year’s Thanksgiving. Just give us fifteen microwaveable Easy Macs.
Corn: Microwave Popcorn
The Pilgrims thought they won the lottery when the Wampanoag taught them how to cultivate corn, but they have no idea how much simpler life would’ve be if they had just landed on campus instead.
Mixed Vegetables: Cereal
No meal is complete without some color on the plate, and this first Thanksgiving dinner has to be perfect. Green beans, carrots, Brussel sprouts and squash? Nah.
Cranberry Sauce: Jell-O Shots
Oh man, could you imagine if these could be bought in cans, too? College students were almost accurate in this classic Thanksgiving food. Jell-O shots are basically small dishes of cranberry sauce anyway, except with a better flavor. And alcohol. And fun.
Apple Cider: Beer
And no, not dad’s tall artisan glass filled with some fancy craft brew that only comes out once a year. We can’t afford that, so we’ll introduce these fortunate Pilgrims to our close friends Natty and Keystone.
And its okay (and expected) if they don’t like our beverage of choice at first, because it’ll grow on them by the sixth beer.
Pumpkin Pie: Pizza
Ahh, it’s about time pizza showed up. To be fair, pizza could’ve replaced turkey being that its the center of all college food; however, when students were called upon by the Pilgrims to bring pie to what would be the first Thanksgiving, pizza was the only kind that came to mind.
Apple Pie: More Pizza
Obviously there would’ve been more than one pizza at this meal. In fact, we could literally go down the list of fruit pies and replace all of them with another box of the cheesy, greasy, mouthwatering dish with different toppings, but you get the idea.
So there you have it: the meal you once knew to be Thanksgiving replaced with the foods you know all too well. It’s a shame that the Mayflower didn’t land on campus, but at least we can enjoy our ideal Thanksgiving every other day of the semester.