It’s Star Wars Day!
Long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away there was a man who created the best thing since the last best thing since sliced bread—the Star Wars trilogy. In doing so he provided hours of entertainment and several unacceptable life goals to people all over the world (‘Jedi’ is not an option in India. The reflexive response is, “But beta, what about engineering?”).
Roughly a decade later he did what can politely be called a Salman Khan, in that he took an excellent piece of cinema and made something execrable out of it—the Prequels.
Yup. The ones where an obsessive, angry nineteen year-old boy seduces a beautiful but blank politician with floating fruit and lines like, “Your skin is soft….unlike sand, which is rough.“
(How did these two dolts make Leia, again?)
But anyway, let bygones be bygones. I saw the badass Episode VII trailer and since it is exam month, which means that I am running on unholy amounts of caffeine and panic with loss of logic as a side effect, I couldn’t help but wonder what it would be like if my favourite characters from the Star Wars universe were to be restaurateurs instead.
What say, Lucasfilm? You could give us ‘Star Wars: The Kitchen Wars’ as an apology for the prequels. We’d take it. We’d take anything, really.
This has nothing to do with Marco Pierre White’s ‘Kitchen Wars‘; I just love the idea of Han Solo running a bar/restaurant, like Guy Gardner but with more of the sheer awesome that makes him Han. Here’s what I think the kitchen would look like:
1. Han is the Gordon Ramsay of space cowboys, but better.
Look at this lovable git. Everybody’s favourite arrogant nerfherder. He’d be everywhere at once, somehow managing to whip up something amazing while also screaming, “WHY DID THE SHAAK BOARD THE SHIP? BECAUSE YOU DIDN’T COOK IT!” at some hapless soul.
But really, I bet he’d be a fantastic cook, which has got to endear him to Leia.
2. Princess Leia is the bartender.
Because it’s suitably badass and because I suspect all that politicking and diplomacy training (of disputable value) as a teeny Princess Organa meant she didn’t learn to exemplify traditional feminine values.
The imperious weapon-wielding attitude gave that away already, but it bears repeating. Once she figured out how to do it and kept Han in the kitchen, she’d be able to make the most obscure drinks in the galaxy.
Even—if I may so blaspheme–a Pan-Galactic Gargle Blaster.
3. Luke Skywalker, Jedi Knight….and busboy.
Because it seems unlikely that this kid, who seems to enjoy shooting wamp rats in Beggar’s Canyon and other similarly odd pastimes, will be able to cook anything more complex than the most basic of Tatooine meals.
In India, he’d be the guy who can’t make more than rasam and rice, or dal-chawal, and so on.
So he’s the busboy and talks about anything and everything in the world while he does it—girls, food, X-wings, the Jedi Order and is that still his problem, do you think, but oh—what about this obscure homily Master Yoda once recited to him, and so on until somebody knocks him out.
4. Chewie handles the reservations.
Nobody picks a fight with him, ever. It’s not wise to upset a Wookiee.
5. C-3PO is a surprisingly good sous-chef.
C-3PO talks a lot of rot, which Han tolerates, up until he doesn’t. Still, he’s useful and knows more recipes than Han knows smugglers.
R2-D2 is the Technical Guy/Bouncer. The one they turn to in case of people fighting, trying to kill/maim/enslave each other, lights going out, stoves collapsing and so on. Artoo’s held in something between affection and awe. Threepio just sniffs disdainfully.
6. Sometimes Boba Fett tends bar with Leia.
Shh. I’m fond of his clone arse. And all that travelling while being a busy-bee bounty hunter? He must know a lot about alcohol and people. He’d get along with Leia really well if they stopped being wary of each other.
7. Obi-Wan is the Requisite Maudlin Drunk.
(I know, I know—but logic has no place here.)
He sits in the back and orders drink after drink, eventually growing drunk enough to start caterwauling horrible songs he knows (probably learnt from his shady friends in the days before it all went to pot).
After a while somebody joins in, and the ruckus gets so terrible Han drags Ben away and hides him in the kitchen, dunking his head in a pot of water to sober him up.
Obi-Wan manages to stumble away with the tattered remains of his dignity.
8. Sometimes people pick fights with Han and they escalate quickly.
He shoots first.
I’ve been itching to make that joke.
9. There’s an army of Ewok helpers in the kitchen.
Wicket and his friends scurry around fetching tools, chopping things, lifting pots, putting things away—and mooning after C-3PO, to everybody’s constant amazement and aggravation.
10. There’s a special discount for members of the Rebel Alliance.
They come in, get drinks and laugh at the names on the menu, which poke fun at the Empire and the Sith. Even Admiral Akbar cracked a smile once.
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