It isn’t the truth because it’s sad, but it sure as hell is sad because it’s the truth: summer is over. We may have a few warm days left, but soon you’ll need to abandon the false idea that you can keep wearing a crop top and short shorts. (I say this, still I’ll dress inappropriately through January and maybe even February.)
I may sound insensitive, but trust me, I feel all the pain one can feel with the end of summer. I don’t want to part with the magical heat and sun… the happiness everywhere on account of the lively, late night July air…
*record player scratches*
PAUSE THE MELANCHOLY… cause we can get over this summertime sadness real (real) quick (.
It’s just takes a fun, quick activity involving fucking up your beach body.
With forthcoming winter and cold, it’s no joke that you need a lil’ insulation. You need less Insanity (sry Shaun T) and more inhumanity… i.e. let’s brutalize your shrunken appetite and your manicured hair, nails and skin.
Less Skinny Girl and more Budweiser.
I know you’ve missed having a nice cold Bud, the quickest 140 calories you’ve ever ingested (next to candy). Chug itttttttt. Remember, it’s for your own good.
Less lettuce and more burger.
R U A RABBIT?
Seriously, stop eating salad.
There are just too many good salad gifs. Seriously, though… these people aren’t really enjoying those salads. They’re faking. THERE AIN’T NOTHIN’ FUNNY ‘BOUT NO LETTUCE.
Set no limits at the dining hall/restaurant.
Don’t even close your mouth for chewing. No time.
You probably quit snacking this summer to get that flat stomach. Remember Goldfish and Cheez-Its? Remember joy?
Okay, maybe you can shave some areas. But for the most part, you’re gonna’ need that warmth. Plus, no shorts = no display of your legs… which means you can save yourselves the valuable time you probably wasted every summer day shaving your legs.