Now that the second season of Unbreakable Kimmy Schmidt has finished, we’re all looking for something to do with our days. The unique, laugh-out-loud characters and hilarious writing (shout out to Tiny Fey) have everyone quoting unforgettable lines from the show. Why not find out what your favourite Netflix characters would be if they magically turned into food?
1. Kimmy Schmidt – Ice Cream Cone
Kimmy Schmidt is the epitome of childhood and so is an ice cream cone. Nothing says carefree like running after the ice cream man just to scarf down a vanilla cone before it melts. A plain vanilla soft serve cone is simple yet satisfying and will brighten up your day, just like Kimmy.
2. Titus Andromedon – Hot dog
You were probably expecting Pinot Noir, but as much as Titus wants to be a high-class celebrity, in reality, he’s not. I could make a petty joke about the phallic shape of hot dogs, but street meat really does define Titus. He likes to indulge in greasy foods when nobody’s watching and (not so) shamelessly passes gas on occasion. Everything about Titus is unique, but when it comes to his choice in food, he’s a classic New Yorker. Not to mention he’s way too lazy and broke to spring for anything better.
3. Lillian Kaushtupper- Hard-Boiled Egg
Lillian is a mystery that’s better left unsolved. Her past is too sketchy to get into and so are her eating habits. She lives on a pretty strict diet of booze and smokes when she’s not on a hard boiled egg cleanse. There’s nothing normal about her, even though she might seem like a nice, little old lady. Similarly, there’s nothing wrong with hard boiled eggs, but there’s a reason you don’t see people roaming the streets, egg in hand. It’s just plain weird.
4. Jacqueline White – Ice Cubes
Jacqueline wouldn’t eat in public if you paid her a million bucks. She’s far too concerned with her looks and social status to be caught eating as much as an apple. By eating vicariously through Kimmy, Jacqueline can rid herself of all cravings. Only non-fat, no sugar, gluten-free, dairy-free, vegan foods work for the former Mrs. Voorhees. So, ice cubes it is.
5. Xanthippe Lannister Voorhees – Escargot
Everything about Xan is complex down to her name. The teenage wrecking ball wants to fit in with her snobby, messed up friends so badly that she pretends to like everything they like. She puts on an act of popping pills and getting wasted off of wine but the truth is she hates all of it. Escargot seems all fancy on the outside, but on the inside, it’s just a snail. And let’s get real, everybody’s lying about enjoying snails.
6. Donna Maria Nuñez – Mole Sauce
Obviously Donna Maria is the mole sauce that she sells out the other mole women for. She’s reaping the rewards after branding herself as the non-English speaking mole women trapped with three American teenage girls for fifteen years. Mole sauce can be bittersweet or spicy both of which Donna Maria proved she could be down in the bunker. She’s also full of surprises, like the hint of chocolate that can be hidden in some mole recipes.
7. Cyndee Pokorny – A Bowl of Lucky Charms
Cyndee is still trying to make up for lost years in the bunker and unfortunately, she still has the intelligence of a pre-teen girl. She’s perfectly happy living her fake life with her gay fiancee and believing that unicorns really do exist. She’s so painfully dumb that it makes you feel sorry for her. The only thing Cyndee could probably manage to make herself would be a bowl of cereal, but not any cereal. It would have to be one with magical marshmallows and leprechauns.
8. Gretchen – Plain White Bread
Gretchen is the worst of them all. She has no mind of her own and is addicted to joining cults. She voluntarily joined the reverend’s cult and continued to stand by his side at the trials after being held captive for fifteen years. Gretchen lacks personality and intelligence. Frankly, I’m surprised she knew to eat at all without someone telling her. Gretchen has no mind of her own. She’s as simple as a plain, white piece of bread.