Let me begin by saying that I’m not a fitness fanatic. I love kale, but I also eat cookie dough ice cream like a fiend. I go to the gym, but I can also marathon an entire season of Made in Chelsea in one sitting. And one time in eighth grade I phoned the principal and pretended to be my mother to get out of a fitness test (true story). I tell you this so you know why I was nervous to try the Martha Hunt diet and lifestyle for a week. I pictured portion sizes smaller than my hand and running until I wanted to puke. I was totally, completely wrong.
I should probably rewind and explain how this all happened. It was July. My sister and I had been living off of deep-fried fair food and booze at the Calgary Stampede. I couldn't remember what a vegetable tasted like anymore, and we were both pretty desperate for some healthy inspo.
We were flying out to join my parents at our lake house when I came across an article that my friend Ellie wrote on how she lived like the Rock for a day. The idea of eating 20 scrambled egg whites was about as appealing as poking my own eyes out with a fork (you killed it, Ellie), but it got me thinking. Could I live like a celebrity for a week? Maybe even a Victoria's Secret model?
A quick Google search brought up Martha Hunt's diet and exercise routine, which was surprisingly relaxed. Her diet is heavy in veg and protein, and she works out about five times a week leading up to the show. Martha's favorite workouts are weight-training, yoga, and pilates, but she has been known to enjoy balance boards and resistance bands as well. All in all, it sounded pretty manageable. I roped my sister, Rachael, into doing it with me, and the next day we got straight into it.
Day One
Martha likes to scramble up some eggs in the morning, so we kicked off the first day by eating a heck of a lotta eggs. Like, a mountain of eggs each. I have no idea if the Martha Hunt diet includes black coffee, but I decide to give myself a pass. She has to stay awake for those 5 am photo shoots somehow, right?
We run into our first problem after breakfast. Martha starts off her day by taking her dog Bear for a walk—I don't have a dog. In fact, I once wrote a list of 100 reasons why I should have a dog and my mom hung it on our fridge so guests could laugh at me. Luckily, I do have a small, blond creature that's hopped up on coffee, so I take my sister for a walk on the water instead. Minus the leash. I didn't think Rach would appreciate that much.
For lunch, Martha favors sushi. Sadly, the only way we're getting fresh sushi is if I wade into the lake Steve Irwin-style and rip apart the fish with my bare hands, so we wind up buying sushi from the grocery store. Martha fills her afternoon with a Body by Simone workout, and usually some yoga as well.
The Body by Simone video is a dance exercise class taught by a perky, blonde Australian woman with more energy than a chihuahua hopped up on caffeine. By the time we finish our yoga video, Rach and I are in such pain that we contemplate sleeping on the gym floor. Only the thought of Martha's afternoon snack (basically anything with peanut butter) revives us.
For dinner, we enjoy a meal of salmon and vegetables, and before I know it, day one is complete. And I'm surprisingly not dead. In fact, I'm feeling pretty good. Not like, I'm-Michael- Phelps-and-just-won-a-gold-medal good, but I'm feeling full, pleasantly tired, and not that achy. Basically, we're #killingit.
Day Two
I spoke too soon. This morning, I wake up feeling like a semi truck filled with lead ran over my body a few times. Somehow, I manage to peel myself off the bed and make Martha's morning smoothie filled with banana, coconut milk, almond butter, berries, and flaxseed—absolutely heavenly. Afterwards, we go for our morning walk, and end up christening our imaginary dog Matcha. The neighbors give us odd looks as we pant up the hill while screaming about green tea. Oh, well. It's all in the name of science (sort of).
We have a quick lunch of salmon and butternut squash (subbed for Martha's usual side of pumpkin because honestly, try finding a pumpkin when it's not October), and then it's on to our afternoon pilates video and Martha's favorite arm exercises. I'm still pretty sore, but anything feels easy after Simone's 30 minutes of upbeat torture, so it's actually just fine. Martha likes to refuel with organic protein bars after workouts. The closest thing to 'organic protein bars' at Safeway is a chocolate-coated Vector bar, so we munch on those instead. I'm sure Martha will understand.
By the time dinner arrives, I'm like a kid on Christmas. By some miracle, the Martha Hunt diet includes the occasional burger, so we whip up a few veggie sliders. They taste divine, and I leave day two on a burger high, pumped up and ready to tackle tomorrow.
Day Three
As you can tell by this Instagram video, Martha loves a good boxing session. Which is how, at 11 am this morning, I found myself hastily doing up my hand-wraps. Here's the thing: Rachael has her blue belt in kickboxing. I've seen my sister snap wooden boards in half with her foot like a knife through butter.
The only thing I've ever broken in half is my arm after falling down the stairs (okay, not really, but it was a close call). Needless to say, Rachael looks like a ninja as we do our boxing workout video; I look more like a small, floundering fish that hasn't learned how to swim yet. Anyways. There's no footage of the incident, so I'm trying to forget about it.
My talent lies in the kitchen department, so I was in charge of whipping up a Martha-approved lunch: salmon salad. I want to emphasize how delicious this salad was, because I'm not proud of what I'm about to tell you. In fact, as a self-proclaimed foodie, admitting any sort of kitchen faux pas is like yanking my own teeth out with floss. But for the sake of accuracy, I'll admit that dinner was a disaster.
Martha loves to show off her zucchini boats, and the recipe seemed pretty easy. But for whatever reason, the zucchini was so thick that it didn't cook properly, and eating our heavenly pizza-vegetable boats was like trying to ram a rubber tube down our esophaguses. Not so appealing.
#SpoonTip: Always thinly slice your zucchini.
Day Four
Due to the zucchini fiasco yesterday, which had me scraping most of dinner into the garbage, I wake up starving. Like, actually ravenous. I put so much almond butter into Martha's usual morning smoothie that 90% of it is probably nuts. I'm not sure if that's allowed in the Martha Hunt diet, but too late. It's already gone.
We take Matcha for a late morning walk. Dad overhears us discussing our imaginary Pomeranian and we explain the situation. Dad looks in pain. I think he's worried that we've become delusional. Maybe we have; I've eaten so much fish that I probably have mercury poisoning. Unsurprisingly, when dinner rolls around, we're making tuna tacos. To be fair to Martha, she just said that she likes tacos, but because I'm a vegetarian, ground beef is out. I think Rachael is really tempted to dump the whole can of tuna over my head. Sorry, Rach.
Day Five
You know those plot line graphs that you were taught in fourth grade? And there's always that little spike where the climax of the story happens? This is it. Today, disaster strikes. The power goes out, leaving us without water or electricity.
Martha has definitely not prepared us for this one. Lunch is supposed to be fried eggs and avocado on toast, which Martha enjoys, but (spoiler) it's kind of hard to fry an egg without power. But Mama didn't raise no quitters, so we dig up an old lighter and get to work lighting the stove manually. Honestly, bring on the zombie apocalypse. I can totally survive. Minus the lack of air conditioning, because holy hell, we are slowly baking to death.
We aren't really feeling the whole "boil alive inside the house" thing, so we decide to drive into town. We're already inside Starbucks when I remember that I have to drink Martha-style, so I frantically Google her Starbucks order. Luckily, she told Vogue a few years ago that her favorite drink is a soy latte. Phew. Problem solved.
Day Six
The electricity is back on today, and I'm ready to conquer the world. I feel like one of those survivors who clawed her way out of the forest and into civilization again. Even using the blender for my smoothie in the morning feels like a luxury. Nothing can break my stride. Not even the fact that we have salmon again for lunch. Nothing.
Okay, so the second round of Body by Simone comes pretty close. Rachael says some creative words under her breath, too explicit to repeat here. But we come out the other side stronger, both mentally and physically.
The best part—Martha loves a good Indian curry for dinner, so our kitchen is filled with the smell of curry powder, cooked cauliflower, and coconut in the evening. I'm basically doing a little dance before bed because tomorrow is our last day, and we are #slaying.
Day Seven
This morning, I'm like a child stuck in a car seat who has been told the long drive is almost over. I race around the kitchen whipping up a green smoothie bowl, which Martha has posted on Instagram before. I cycle for 45 minutes. I do Martha's weekly ab circuit. I take my fake Pomeranian, Matcha, for our final walk together (I'm going to miss her, but I'm sure she'll understand).
And by the time dinner rolls around (leftover Indian food), I can hardly believe it's over. Just like that, I've been living like a Victoria's Secret model for a week. Am I suddenly ripped? No. Do I still crave cheesecake? Yes, more than ever. But I'm also so proud of Rach and I for hanging in there. Six workouts, seven servings of fish, and eight mental breakdowns later, and we're finally done. Go team.
Final Thoughts
What have I learned this week? That I should never, ever become a boxing instructor. And also that partially-cooked zucchini tastes like rubber. Just kidding (mostly). All joking aside, I've gained some serious respect for Victoria's Secret models. These girls train like Olympic athletes. I don't think I've ever sweated so much, eaten so much protein, or resisted so much berry pie.
I thought the Martha Hunt diet and lifestyle would leave me wanting to eat table napkins, but I was surprisingly full most days. I have to hand it to Martha—she works for that killer bod.
So would I do this challenge again? Probably not. I just love pie too much. But the next time a friend jokes about a VS model living off of lettuce, she's about to get a serious education. Martha, I got your back.