According to people on the Internet, foodies are the scourge of our generation. As a foodie, I can confirm that some of my behaviors, as well as those of my peers, are probably more than a little obnoxious. Turning my nose up at non-artisan pizza, issuing a dry laugh when someone offers me soda, buying kimchi from the Korean market because the Whole Foods version is weak, etc.
If a foodie friend of yours begins exhibiting behaviors that are just too much to bear, there are steps you can take. You could talk to them about their interests and learn to see things from their perspective — they would likely be super excited to introduce you to some fantastic foods!
Alternately, you could embark on a mission to get revenge & drive them completely out of their mind. Here are 21 ways to do so.
1. Buy bagged bagels. Claim they’re no different from fresh.
If your target is a Manhattan foodie, stop reading here.
2. Eat really fast.
If you can taste your food, you're not eating fast enough.
3. Exclaim that you "Love seafood! Especially clam strips!"
Also fish sticks from a box!
4. Remark that there is no tangible difference between wood-fired pizza and Domino’s.
In fact, suggest stopping by the closest convenience store for a slice that's been sitting in a warming case all day. Pizza is pizza.
5. If they're visiting your town/city and ask for restaurant suggestions, suggest a chain.
"I've heard great things about the local Cheesecake Factory."
6. Tell them the best burrito you ever had was from Chipotle.
The best tacos, as well.
7. When you're out to dinner with them, order the chicken. Always.
IRL, never order the chicken unless the chef comes out of the kitchen, looks you in the eye, and tells you to order the chicken.
8. If they cook dinner for you, ask if they have any ketchup.
Also, salt the food before you taste it.
9. Throw them a surprise birthday party at Applebee’s.
More suggestions: Chili's. Outback Steakhouse. Red Lobster.
10. Make them a salad. Use iceberg lettuce.
Add ranch, croutons, and nothing else.
11. Get them a grocery store cake for their birthday.
Bonus points if it is topped with fondant roses in unnatural colors!
Alternately, check out the easy cake recipes here on Spoon. If homemade is not an option, check out local bakeries for cakes that are small and decadent.
12. Serve them wine that you opened last week.
24 HOURS PEOPLE, 24 HOURS.
13. Request a Starbucks date instead of the independent coffee shop across the street.
One has organic loose-leaf tea blended by the tea shop a few streets down, served in a ceramic teapot. One has reliable wi-fi.
14. Refer to Olive Garden as “Italian food.”
I hear the fettuccine alfredo is especially authentic.
15. Go to a nice chef-driven restaurant with them. Request modifications to your order.
"Could I get that without mushrooms? I don't like mushrooms. Or bleu cheese actually, can you leave that off as well?"
Chefs are trained professionals and, excepting legitimate allergies and intolerances, you should trust their judgement.
16. Ask for your steak (or burger) well-done.
Might as well burn the side dishes while you're at it.
17. Regardless of the drink, serve it in a red Solo cup.
Believe it or not, there are reasons why different drinks are served in specific glassware.
18. Never use the oven, stovetop, or even kettle. Microwave only.
There's nothing as enticing as dinner, fresh out of the microwave.
19. Bring store-bought food to a potluck.
Just throw it on the table still in the bag, it's cool.
20. Truffle oil. Stevia. Miracle Whip.
Use them. Rave about them.
21. Make black tea. Leave the tea bag in for 15 minutes.
If it's green tea, make it 20. Serve in a coffee mug. Add Stevia.