Oh, Game of Thrones. You’re the reason for our deep-rooted trust issues. You’ve made us all slightly afraid of attending weddings. You have instilled in us an unreasonable hatred for preteen blonde boys.
And yet, we love you and we anxiously await the Season 5 premiere on April 12.
If you think about it, watching Game of Thrones is kind of like getting coffee from Starbucks. It’s ruthless and extremely stressful; there’s a lot of animosity and pent-up anger involved; and there’s a good chance that someone will be seriously injured.
But we can’t live without it, and we just keep coming back.
After coming to this realization, I (naturally) began to wonder what each of my favorite Game of Thrones characters would order if Starbucks ever expanded to Westeros. This is what my twisted brain came up with.
Ned Stark — Tall Black Coffee With No Lid
This one is pretty self-explanatory, just use your…head. Ha. :'(
Catelyn Stark — An Empty Cup
To catch all of her tears because her life sucks. Or I guess it used to suck and now it’s over.
Robb Stark — Caramel Macchiato
Because he was hot and pretty and I was obsessed with him. But he also made some decisions that made people hate him, just like ordering a caramel macchiato will probably make your barista hate you.
Talisa Stark — Cheese & Fruit Bistro Box
You occasionally notice it while standing in line, but it’s basically irrelevant. Sound familiar?
Sansa Stark — Pumpkin Spice Latte
Because she’s a naïve, extremely #basic teen girl at heart. And her life is as tragic as that of a PSL-lover’s when it isn’t fall.
Arya Stark — Mocha Latte
Arya tries so hard to be mature. I mean, she straight up murdered some dudes, which is basically a GoT bat mitzvah. But then you remember she’s a young girl, so she probably wouldn’t like the taste of coffee as much as she likes the taste of revenge. So a grown-up hot chocolate would definitely be her beverage of choice.
Gendry — Caffè Verona
Because it’s dark, bold, “seductive” and “full-bodied.” He was a blacksmith’s apprentice, so he’s gotta be pretty strong. Okay so maybe I have a thing for Gendry.
Sandor Clegane (The Hound) — Iced Coffee with Extra Ice
He needs some ice for that burn. Literally.
Bran Stark — Apple Bran Muffin
I mean, the pun was right there. But also, no one really gets either of them.
Hodor — Trenta Hot Chocolate with Whipped Cream
He’s huge, simple and lovable. Never stop doing you, Hodor.
Jon Snow — Iced Decaf Coffee
Everyone knows that decaf is just the “bastard” of coffee. And iced because it’s pretty cold up there beyond the Wall. That’s why he wears that ambiguous black cape thing all the time.
Ygritte — Toffee Nut Blended Frappuccino with Whipped Cream
A drink like this is a lot to handle, and Ygritte’s wild but lovable personality was definitely more than Jon Snow bargained for. And if you have to ask about the flavor choice, you know nut-thing, Jon Snow.
Sam Tarly — Old-Fashioned Glazed Donut
It’s mean but true. Love him, though.
Theon Greyjoy — Handcrafted Soda
He’s generally just an extremely confused human being. So he would definitely go to Starbucks, be unable to commit to a coffee drink and end up ordering a soda.
Ramsay Snow — Sausage & Cheddar Breakfast Sandwich
Because… you know. See above.
Robert Baratheon — Dark Barrel Latte (with a twist)
Apparently, Starbucks is testing a drink that tastes like Guinness without the alcohol content, which would have been right up Robert Baratheon’s alley. Though he’d definitely have spiked it with a lil’ somethin’ somethin’.
Renly Baratheon — Evolution Fresh Super Pressed Green Juice
He just gave off that kind of vibe. If Westeros had yoga and spin classes, he would’ve been all over that shit.
Stannis Baratheon — Venti Decaf Black Coffee
This man hates fun or anything that is even remotely enjoyable. And in order to drink a decaf black coffee in a Venti cup, you’ve got to be a serious masochist.
Ser Davos Seaworth (The Onion Knight) — Venti Decaf Black Coffee
Again, he’s so loyal he’d definitely have whatever Stannis was having. And he definitely wouldn’t enjoy it.
Melisandre (The Red Woman) — Passion Iced Tea
A drink as coolly passionate and enticing as the woman herself. Plus, they share a similar alluring crimson coloring. The night is dark and full of terrors.
Petyr Baelish (Littlefinger) — Dirty Chai
It’s smooth and unruffled on the outside, but it’s secretly spicy, powerful and dirty on the inside. And anyone who cultivates a goatee as on point (no, it’s literally pointy) as his would definitely be a chai guy.
Varys — Teavana Jade Citrus Mint Tea
I always say you can’t fully trust a person who pays for a cup of tea at a coffee shop, and you definitely can’t fully trust Varys. Plus, with his love for gossip, walking in aimless circles around gardens, and wearing flamboyant robes, he just screams “tea drinker.”
Tyrion Lannister — Double Espresso in a Short Cup
He might be little, but he packs a serious punch when it comes to personality (and sense of humor).
Bronn — Americano
This is a man of simple tastes. Give him a woman and some cash, or espresso and hot water, and he’ll be perfectly content.
Cersei Lannister — Ethos Bottled Water
Cersei can afford to drop an absurd amount of money on a bottle of Ethos, and she’s just way too good for free tap water. That stuff’s for plebes and people who haven’t perfected the art of throwing serious shade.
Joffrey Lannister — Vanilla Bean Frappuccino with Extra Whip
Because he’s a self-absorbed, entitled lil’ bitch who’s extremely vanilla. Also, how funny would it have been if he had (spoiler alert) choked on a frap?
Jaime Lannister — Blonde Roast Coffee
Jaime is kind of a dick, but we still all love him for his suave personality and flowing blonde locks. So naturally, he’d probably order Starbucks’ “flavorful” and “easiest-drinking coffee.” It’s also “light-bodied,” and having your hand chopped off is definitely one way to drop some weight.
Tywin Lannister — Clover-Brewed Coffee
Of course Tywin would ask for an individually prepared, unique cup of coffee. But he’d also ask for the bathroom key, and he just might not make it back to pick up his order (not-so-subtle Season 4 reference).
Brienne of Tarth — Starbucks Doubleshot Energy Drink
Because she kicks so much ass that she definitely needs that energy boost.
Margaery Tyrell — Skinny Iced Sugar-Free Vanilla Latte
Considering Margaery’s outfits are 10% cloth and 90% cutout, she definitely needs to maintain her figure. Also, there’s something about her that definitely seems as artificial as the sweetener in sugar-free syrup.
Loras Tyrell — Skim Cappuccino
Because, like Loras, it’s made mostly of air. Loras may be a prettyboy and good at sword-fighting (in more ways than one), but he’s definitely not the sharpest weapon in the armory.
Lady Olenna Tyrell — Oprah Chai Tea Latte
Lady Olenna is the Oprah of Westeros. She’s one of the wisest, most powerful motherly figures on the show, and she’s an absolute guru. I wouldn’t be surprised if she came out with her own O, The Olenna Magazine. And I would subscribe to it in a heartbeat.
Lord Walder Frey — Stolen Milk
This dude is so untrustworthy that he’s that guy you see shamelessly stealing from the milk and sugar section. The most disgusting kind of person.
Oberyn Martell (The Viper) — Flat White
Robin Arryn — Steamed Milk
People who get this drink are generally weirdos, Robin included. This kid needs to stop breastfeeding before I make him fly through the Moon Door.
Khal Drogo — Limited Edition Brazil Nova Resende Reserve Coffee
It’s dark, bold and full-bodied, just like our good friend Drogo. But unfortunately, its limited edition availability means that its presence at Starbucks is bound to be as short as Drogo’s presence on Game of Thrones.
Daenerys Targaryen (Khaleesi) — Matcha Green Tea Latte
Matcha lattes are unexpected, to say the least. They’re unlike anything we’re used to, but they’ve garnered a dedicated cult following. They’re slowly taking over with their unique exotic flavor and gorgeous appearance, just like the Mother of Dragons herself. Or in this case, the Matcha of Dragons.
Ser Jorah Mormont — Matcha Green Tea Latte
You know he’d just have whatever his beloved Khaleesi is having.
The White Walkers — Venti Cup of Ice
I said brrr, it’s cold in here. I said there must be some White Walkers in the atmosphere.
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