Do you feel obligated to wear form-fitting clothes on break and during reunions to prove that you haven’t gained the old college gut that you were so strongly cautioned about? Are you mentally preparing for the glances from relatives to your waistline? Even though you’re tired of it, you might as well humor them.
Here’s a fill in the blank letter that you can personalize and send to any nosy relatives, because clearly your weight is their business, so you might as well keep them updated.
Dear [insert intrusive kinfolk name here],
My first semester here at [insert name of college that’s injecting fat into your body by the minute] has been really difficult, but I’ve pulled through and am ready to work hard again this semester to make another [insert GPA at least .5 points lower than current GPA, so when your organic chemistry class slowly kills you, they won’t be as disappointed when your GPA isn’t any different from what you’ve told them]! I’ll stop boring you with little details and get to what’s really important: the number on the scale.
We both know that my [insert your favorite vegetable, ain’t nobody calling you a snacker and getting away with it] craving always gets the best of me. Countless trips to the [insert dining hall of choice] salad bar are really killing my waistline. Not to mention the various healthy options available at every meal.
At this rate, by the time I head out to [insert Spring Break beach of choice], I run the risk of having to roll into the ocean like Violet from Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, post-blueberry transformation. We can only hope all the chicken breast that I’ve been eating hasn’t culminated into my stomach, causing a [insert favorite sports ball type, the bigger, the better]-like protrusion.
Late night popcorn munchies will literally kill me, right?? Or maybe it’s simply all the calorie-packed coffees from [insert favorite java hut]. At the end of a long night out, takeout from [insert favorite late night delivery snack] with friends happens. But hey, the last time I checked, that doesn’t translate into automatic weight gain…
Now I know what you’re thinking: It’s my new habit of emotional eating that is helping me fill out my high school jeans. I swear, I’m just too happy here! A happy gut is a full gut. I’m sorry [insert intrusive kinfolk name yet again], but this piglet is staying here in [insert location of the best four years of your life].
Your newly curvy [insert relation to said kinfolk],
[insert name and own your college body, remember you don’t owe an explanation to anyone, but if you had to give one, this mad libs is all you need]
Make sure to mail this letter out with a smirk. After all, it’s better to be proactive and sassy than put on the defensive. The number on the scale is nobody’s business but your own.
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