Tired of the wretched taste of booze? Simply drinking alcohol to get drunk these days is just SOOOOO mainstream. In the mood to potentially take a trip to the ER to meet hot doctors? Check out these alternative methods of imbibing. For hardcore alcoholics only, not for the faint of heart!
Disclaimer: In case ya didn’t get it, DO NOT try any of these methods. Seriously don’t.
1. Vodka Tampons
Pros: These suckers were designed for more than just that time of the month and nosebleeds. Soak one up with your choice of liquor (who am I kidding, if you’re trying this method you’re most definitely a vodka gal); they supposedly hold about a shot’s worth. Shove it up there to bypass your digestive tract and get drunk waaayy faster.
Cons: YOGOV (you only get one vagina). Flooding this sensitive area with 40-proof liquor is bound to leave a wake of destruction. Your baby coming out drunk would be the least of your problems. Ladies, stick to the fake tampon flasks they sell at Urban and avoid the most embarrassing obit headline you could possibly imagine.
Pros: No calories, no carbs, no hangover, smooth taste and feel the effects much quicker. Since the alcohol bypasses your stomach, it could also bypass your liver so that those with liver damage from too much drinking can once again partake! Also, you look like a boss smoking alcohol out of an orb with a metal straw.
Cons: It doesn’t matter how you absorb the alcohol, you’re still going to absorb the calories (and feel the hangover). It is also reported to taste awful, induce a feeling of lung collapse and could potentially be dangerous and addictive. For more details, click here.
3. Vodka Eyeballing and Snorting
Pros: Both these trending methods are a sure way to prove to your fraternity brothers and friends that you’re a hardo (or just an idiot). Eyeballing provides a shot of adrenaline (as well as intense pain) and supposedly a quicker effect in bypassing the digestive system. Also, everyone looks cooler when they’re snorting something, preferably out of a glass or metal straw rather than a Ben Franklin. To learn about powdered alcohol, check out this article.
Cons: I once accidentally poured vodka in a guy’s eye. Not a flirty move for me and it definitely wasn’t attractive when he screamed in pain. Also, you face the risk of permanent optical damage. With snorting, you damage the very sensitive mucus membranes in your nose. At least you’ll still have one good eye and one good nostril!
4. Taking Shots of Mouthwash
Pros: You have it in your house, it’s cheap and it can contain 25% alcohol or more. They give it out for free in health club and country club bathrooms. You’ll have the freshest breath of anyone in the bar, too.
Cons: Risk of abuse and death. Go buy a pack of gum.
5. Wine Ice Cream
Pros: You can get this decadent creation shipped to you on dry ice. Perfect cure to a broken heart and a tasty way to get wine girl wasted. 8 blended flavors hand-crafted by the gods of ice cream and wine themselves.
Cons: With an alcohol content of 5%, you’re more likely to get a massive stomach ache or brain freeze instead of drunk.
6. Drink Copious Amounts of Nyquil
Pros: A bottle comes with its own personal shot glass. Take a few shots, fight the sleepy feeling and then you’re in for a hazy, loopy drunk/high combination.
Cons: You have to be 18 to buy it in most drug stores, which is a big deterrent for the underage population of binge-drinkers. Not a reliable way to get drunk; you might just end up passed out, or worse… SOBER.
7. Butt Chugging
Pros: Rapid absorption and no liquor on your breath. A sexy way for you and your partner to get each other drunk; just lay on your back, put your knees in the air and wait for the funnel.
Cons: Despite the great story you’d have to tell your children, you probably wouldn’t be alive to tell it. Alcohol poisoning and/or an early grave are almost certain consequences.
Pros: The booze goes LITERALLY straight into your bloodstream. You’ll be drunk before you even realize what’s happening. Also, great practice in performing IV’s for your pre-med friends.
Cons: Getting drunk so quickly gives your liver less time to filter the alcohol out of your system. Get 911 on speed dial.
So, the general gist of this list is: drink your alcohol and don’t be a pussy about it. Ya know what’s worse than the taste of a double shot of Taaka? Being dead.