Your body has been ready for weeks. Months. And the day has finally come. Oh, has it ever come.
Not only is Game of Thrones back in spectacular fashion, but with these leaked episodes, you’ve got enough entertainment to melt your buns into your couch for at least four hours. (I’m assuming you’re going to marathon them because, let’s be real, you’re going to marathon them.)
But sadly, some of our beloved characters have been scratched off those unnecessarily-long opening credits for good. In terms of lack of mercy, very few things compare to Thrones. Except for that ruthless purveyor of frozen treats, Ben & Jerry’s.
Both have a sick passion for watching us form strong personal attachments to their characters and ice cream flavors (respectively), then ruthlessly murdering them and watching us suffer.
Ned Stark. Why?!? Vermonty Python. Why?!?
The worlds of Westeros and ice cream are cold and cruel, and all we can do is remember our fallen heroes:
Khal Drogo – Tuskeegee Chunk (peanut butter ice cream with chocolate chunks)
Tuskeegee Chunk was as close as B&J’s has gotten to a manly musk-flavored ice cream. Any flavor that uses the word “chunk” doesn’t mess around.
Also, a Tuskeegee Chunk wedding without at least three deaths was probably considered a dull affair.
Robb Stark – Chocolate Comfort (chocolate truffle low fat ice cream swirled with white chocolate low fat ice cream)
This flavor’s title said, “I am the reliable one. Please put your faith in me, army, even though I am only 19 and have no clue how to be king.” But a closer look reveals that Chocolate Comfort was 1000% the worst.
Low fat ice cream? White chocolate? Get out, Chocolate Comfort. You ruin everything. But admittedly you were also very pretty.
Catelyn Stark – The ‘Wich (chewy fudge-swirled chocolate chunk cookies and vanilla fudge chip ice cream)
Though the name was a little vilifying, this sweet flavor was a lot tougher than it looked. Those chewy cookies? They had some substance, man.
And when the going got tough, this flavor could totally punch Jaime Lannister square in the face.
Viserys Targaryen – Economic Crunch (vanilla ice cream with chocolate covered almond, pecans and walnuts)
This flavor just had that “hey, times are tough and I have to make sacrifices to get what I want, like selling my sister into sex-slavery where she will marry this barbaric horse-lord but eventually make it work using the power of missionary sex” vibe. You feel me?
Ned Stark – Brownie Batter (brownie batter ice cream with a rich brownie batter swirl)
Like Brownie Batter ice cream, Ned was one of Thrones’ most beloved characters. Strong, no-frills, chocolatey… the world is cruel and unfair.
Ygritte – Fresh Georgia Peach (vanilla ice cream with fresh Georgia peaches)
This ice cream never once lied about who it was or what it stood for. Yes, it was fresh, but when it said it loved you, it meant it. And, that nice peachy-gingery hue made us all think about dying our hair to match.
Robert Baratheon – Tennessee Mud (coffee ice cream with amaretto, Jack Daniels Tennessee whiskey and roasted slivered almonds)
I like to think Robert would’ve sniffed out any flavor with booze in it. Like one of those truffle-digger pigs.
Joffrey Lannister – Wavy Gravy (caramel cashew Brazil nut ice cream with a chocolate hazelnut fudge swirl and roasted almonds)
Just explaining this flavor pisses me off. There are too many adjectives, too many elements, too many young, golden-haired snobs shooting hookers with crossbows. Plus, obviously, this flavor was totally nuts.
Renly Baratheon – Dave Matthews Band Magic Brownies Encore Edition (black raspberry swirled with sweet cream ice cream and fudgy brownies)
This was definitely a flavor that would sneak around behind its wife’s back and sleep with her brother. Plus, that black raspberry? You know that’s only one step away from some Red Priestess black magic shit. Once you got down to the brownies, though, it was really pretty good.
Also real talk, though, what did Dave Matthews have to do with any of this?
Talisa Stark – Cool Britannia (vanilla ice cream with strawberries and fudge-covered shortbread)
This sounds delicious, and yet I’ve never heard of it. Why did it have to go before actually serving any purpose to the plot (other than to get Robb Stark horny and killed)?
Shae – Devil’s Food Chocolate Sorbet (swirls of light and dark chocolate sorbet)
At first, this flavor seemed great. It saw you for what you really were, past all the appearances and hogwash. You thought you might even be in love with it. And then you realized that it was never ice cream like it pretended to be but had always been (ugh) sorbet. What the hell is a chocolate sorbet? How do you even make that? And why would you even make that?
Then, this flavor gave false testimony against you at your court hearing and royally screwed over your life.
Tywin – Dastardly Mash (chocolate ice cream with pecans, almonds, raisins, and chocolate chips)
Nobody was more dastardly than Tywin. It’s approximately zero percent clear why the flavor is called Dastardly Mash (is it the raisins, what), so I’m just going to leave it at that. Dastardly? Tywin for sure.
Swordmaster Syrio – Cow Power (sweet cream ice cream with chocolate cookie pieces, dark chocolatey cows and a chocolate fudge swirl)
I’m closing with this one because a) we never actually saw Syrio die, and thus I have hope and b) Syrio was by far my favorite, and clearly a total boss. I am devastated by his possible loss. Just as I am by the loss of Cow Power.
Chocolatey cows, people. Chocolatey cows.
Cow Power was perfectly balanced and at peace with itself, obviously. Cow Power could be my mentor any day.
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