College is awesome for many reasons: friendship, adventure, and the freedom to pursue intellectual stimulation and intoxication in equal measure. It’s exhilarating to be able to stay out til 3 am without fear of parental interrogation. It’s also totally acceptable to stay in on a Saturday night, watching Netflix in your onesie with a pint of ice cream, free from the prying questions of your concerned family members.
Other times, though, college can be the absolute worst. Like when you’re pulling an all-nighter in the library and your butt has fused to your chair. Or when all you want to do is sleep but your roommate has rudely sexiled you. Or even when you’re spooning peanut butter out of the jar because you’ve run out of money for real food.
But no college experience is more horrifying than the moment when you crack open your first cheap beer of the night, and it hits you: you’re going to have to take a sip. You and your taste buds, together, are going to acquaint yourselves with the contents of that aluminum can. And you are most definitely not going to enjoy it.
College beer sucks; there’s no getting past that. But to ensure the least terrible experience possible, we tasted and ranked five of the most popular college beer brands. It was painful, but it had to be done. You can thank us later.
THE ABSOLUTE SHITTIEST: Miller Lite
This was so, so bad. I almost don’t even want to talk about it, because it brings up such horrifying memories. I will be having nightmares about this experience for years to come. Masochists, Miller is the beer for you.
“I kind of hate this. Like a lot.”
“This literally tastes like metal coins. Or liquid aluminum.”
“It kind of just tastes like all the other ones.”
“This is definitely the worst one.”
STILL EXTREMELY SHITTY: Keystone Light
Word on the street is that Dartmouth students consume 1% of the entire world’s Keystone Light, thanks to our pong addiction and our new hard alcohol ban. Which means we spend about 90% of our lives dreading that First Sip Moment, because we’re fully aware that its slogan of “Always Smooth” is a bold-faced lie.
“It’s like a horse drank a bunch of lemonade and then peed into this can.”
“Burps. Just a lot of burps.”
“‘Always Smooth’? More like ‘Always Shitty.'”
“It’s a good palate cleanser, I guess.”
COULD BE SHITTIER: Coors Light
Most of us agreed that Coors Light was not terrible, but it lacked any kind of personality or taste. It’s like it couldn’t commit to being the worst thing ever, but it also couldn’t commit to being water. Both of which would have been more respectable.
“I don’t taste anything. It just tastes like carbonated sadness.”
“This tastes like a fat shirtless man on a couch watching TV.”
“Coors Light, more like Snores Light! Boring.”
“Water tastes more than this.”
MILDLY SHITTY: Bud Light
Despite the high school party flashbacks induced in all of us upon drinking this, we agreed that Bud Light wasn’t too bad; in fact, it was many people’s “favorite,” if one can really use that term in this scenario. Bud, for not making us want to projectile vomit everywhere, we applaud and thank you.
“Mlahhh. Diluted battery acid.”
“It tastes like high school, but it isn’t bad.”
“It’s inoffensive, I guess. Almost tasteless.”
“I would use this as a chaser…if we still had hard alcohol.” (A brief moment of silence was observed at this point.)
THE LEAST SHITTY: Pabst Blue Ribbon
Honestly, we didn’t absolutely hate it. We mostly dislike PBR for its inaccurate reputation as a “hipster beer” and its slight aftertaste of citrusy sewage. But next time you buy a six-pack, we recommend investing in PBR. We can’t promise you’ll enjoy it, but at least it won’t make you want to die.
“It tastes like a mildly attractive man wearing just the worst fedora imaginable.”
“It’s all the worst parts of yeast. It’s the yeastest with the leastest.”
“Definitely hoppier than the others.”
“I like it. Am I not supposed to like it?”
“This is what I imagine retired strippers drink.”
So there you have it: the ultimate ranking of cheap college beers. Now excuse us while we go wash our mouths and reflect upon our life decisions.
Did you know beer doesn’t have to suck? Check it: