It saddens me to say that romance and relationships aren’t quite what they used to be. Courting a lady no longer means a coy peck on the cheek and chaperoned picnics (because that’s how love used to work, right?). We’ve entered an age in which texts at 2 a.m. and spontaneous “gifts” of leftover Chipotle make our hearts all aflutter. Those lucky (or unlucky…no, I’m not bitter) enough to be “In A Relationship” these days don’t have time to ask someone if they’ll “Be Mine.” What they really need is brutal honesty in the form of a delicate candy heart, and that’s where I’m here to help. Feel free to send your “weekend hook-up but only if I’m vodka-drunk” one of these hearts this V-Day.
1. U R Cute
Short, sweet and riddled with teenage slang. This is the perfect gift to give your newest crush so they know your true feelings.
2. 2:35 a.m…U up?
This is the perfect way to make those late night booty calls (do people say that still?) seem a little more romantic.
3. FWB (Friends with Benefits)
This message is similar to the 2:35 am hook-up, but it’s more of a scheduled hook-up. At least there’s a tiny shred of monogamy there, so good for you.
If you’re receiving this heart, I’m so sorry, bro. It’s time to move on.
5. DFMO (Dance Floor Make-Out)
Honestly, just start throwing these at the first breathing humans you see when you walk into the bar. These work best with a “quantity over quality” mindset.
6. Snapchat Me
If he or she Snapchats you at least three times in a row, you know it’s real. If he or she Snapchats you a video of them lip-syncing to ‘90s rap, marry them.
7. Swipe Right
This heart is for all you Tinderellas and Tinder-fellas out there waiting for your Prince or Princess “Message-Me-For-More-Info.” One little swipe is all it takes to find true love…or a really funny story to tell your friends when your Tinder date is painfully awkward.
8. Thx 4 Shacking
This message is perfect for the polite one-night-stand. It can be delicately placed upon the frozen waffles you heated up for breakfast the next morning (L-O-L) or presumptuously given to that hottie you have your eye on at the bar.
9. BAE (Before Anything Else)
“Will you be my BAE?” she asked to the plate of taters tots sitting in front of her. ‘Nuff said.