Kids are evil little geniuses who know exactly what it takes to “outcool” the kid next door who has the newest Rocket Power Game Boy game. Though they are generally looked upon as “silly” and “innocent,” kids are kind of little savages who enact a crazy hierarchy to determine who’s hot and who’s not. Take a moment to tarry down memory lane and reminisce about the crazy-ass foods that used to make you feel hella tight.
#SpoonFact: Possession of any of the following foods will immediately make you the ruler of your neighborhood kingdom of childhood peasants.
1. M&M’s Minis in a Tube
Taking casual swigs of mini M&M’s out of a colored plastic tube was the #1 way to up your rep around town. Were you just mixing all the colors at once? Hell yeah, you were. You weren’t a picky eater anymore — you were an adult. That tiny plastic tube was your flask and the playground was your Wild West. You conquered, cowboy.
2. Bubble Gum Cigars
These weird creations didn’t just make you feel like a middle-aged man waiting to find out the sex of his baby in the hospital waiting room. They were also weirdly fruity gum, so they served a double purpose. Not only did they make you look older, they made you look hella fly when you blew gigantic pink bubbles in everyone’s face.
3. Fla-Vor-Ice Freezer Pops
These super cheap popsicles were the symbols of summer. Jumping on your best friend’s trampoline (you obviously kept very worthy company) and sucking on frozen neon green juice that kind of tasted like Bug Juice was the key to a successful summer break. You knew what you needed to do to keep up your killer rep when school was out.
4. Flamin’ Hot Cheetos
If you wanted to ensure a killer sleepover, you made sure your mom stocked up on Flamin’ Hots. Even though they completely scorched the inside of your body, you just couldn’t help but drink the extra spicy crumbs at the bottom of the bag. Something about the insane spice made this snack seem almost illegal to eat. You were bad to the bone.
5. Candy Cigarettes
Nothing said “maturity” like taking a nice long pull of a little white candy cig. This highly inappropriate children’s candy was the epitome of sophistication on the playground. Imagine a bunch of knobby-kneed children discussing the ins and outs of elementary school society. The tiny Don Drapers of our time. These were the kids who were going places.
6. Kool-Aid Bursts
These were 0 percent juice but 100 percent awesome. Somehow the lack of actual fruit in these drinks made them extra kick-ass. You didn’t need stupid health foods to keep you going. You weren’t afraid of getting cavities, just like you weren’t afraid of cooties. You were the elite.
7. Pizza Lunchables
If you were lucky enough to score a pizza Lunchable in your lunchbox, you were living the high life, my friend. I’m talking “send a candy gram to the entire third grade” high life. Plus, you always kept an air of humbleness to your clearly elite persona when you practically slaved away during the assembly process of these oddly delicious pizzas. Pizzas can’t sauce themselves, after all.
8. Big League Chew Bubble Gum
Though this was generally only chewed at baseball and softball games, this gum was the best way to show the opposing team that you meant business. You took no prisoners and you held nothing back. Passing around a fresh pack of this chew banded together your motley crew of Dad’s Club “athletes” and made you a goddamn team. You probably inked a killer tat in gel pen on your arm while chewing this to show how tough you really were.
WarHeads, AKA tiny sour death balls, were the ultimate decider of coolness in elementary school. Anyone who was brave enough to even attempt the dreaded “WarHeads Challenge” immediately upped his or her cool factor by a million points. Anyone who succeeded (were there ever actual rules to this?) became a legend.