It’s summertime, you’ve realized that the freshman 15 is real, and unless you act fast, swimsuit season is not going to be a fun time. You think it’ll be relatively easy. I mean, you’re a grown adult, you can control yourself around food. But then, three hours in, you realize why you ended up where you are in the first place. Things that are terrible for you are insanely delicious, that’s why.
So, for all you Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition hopefuls with a guilty conscience and too much of a sweet tooth to say no, here’s a list of 7 situations in which calories just really shouldn’t count.
1. If you’re eating while walking
You’re up and about. You’re burning calories (kinda). You’re walking past your favorite cafe and you just gotta have that blueberry scone you’re craving. Blueberries are fruit, it can count as one of your five-a-day…? You’re fine.
2. If someone else offers it to you
It’s lunchtime and you make the responsible decision to get a green smoothie because you’re dedicated and you have the newly-developed self-discipline of a Navy SEAL. Your friend orders spinach dip, because she’s one of those girls who just “doesn’t really put on weight” no matter what she eats (you know the one). She sees you eyeing it every two seconds, so she’s all, “you want some?” And who are you to turn down a friend? That would be rude.
3. If it’s a sample at Costco
You’re walking around, and it’s been a long day. Your blood sugar is running low, and you probably won’t make it to the cash register without a little boost. Tragically, celery and carrot sticks are nowhere in sight. But you know what is? Muffin samples. You hate to do it, you really do. But what other choice do you have? Eat that muffin sample, throw seven extra in your purse while the sample guy isn’t looking, and be on your way, knowing that you did the best you could, given the circumstances.
4. If you take food from someone else’s plate
You’re at dinner with your friends, and you sucked it up and ordered a salad while everyone else ordered pizza. It was brutal, and tears were shed, but you made it through. But what’s this? One of your friends was too full to finish his last slice of pizza, and he’s not even going to ask for a box to take it to go? You don’t mean to be a hero, but you can’t let that go to waste, it’s just not right.
5. If your mom made it for you
How could your loving mother possibly know about your #fitnessgoals? She missed you, and is so happy to have you home for the summer, so she baked you your favorite chocolate chip cookies. And, as any mother would, she made about a zillion, for absolutely no reason.
She doesn’t know that’s not doing you any favors right now. Besides, she loves you so much, and thinks you’re perfect the way you are. You could exercise just a microscopic ounce of self-control… but your mom made these cookies for you with love. And they’re sitting right there. So, you eat them quickly, reassuring yourself that if you eat them fast enough, your body probably won’t even notice.
6. If you’re at a birthday party
Everyone knows birthday cake is free game. You’re here to celebrate your friend’s life, you don’t have time to focus on what you’re eating. And when they birthday girl wants you to do vodka shots and the only thing you have to chase with is soda, you step up and you just do it, swimsuits be damned. It’s her day.
7. If it’s after that birthday party…
It’s 2 am and all of your friends are about to order (insert drunk food here) after a crazy night. Okay, so nutritionists say that you shouldn’t eat after 8 pm, BUT it’s now technically Sunday and therefore, it’s technically before 8 pm again, and technically… you’re really drunk and really need a calzone right now.
I know what you’re thinking, and yes, these exceptions may seem like the ramblings of a pizza-deprived girl on the edge, and that’s because they are. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ll be at Costco.