I love vegans. They are always eager to share their vegan no-bake taco meat recipes with me, and they emanate this healthy glow that makes it seem like their bones are made of vegetables and tofu. When I ask them about their dietary choices, they go off on these long, altruistic rants about saving the world, one Gouda cheese at a time. It’s kinda cute.
But I just cannot buy into their logic. Cows will always produce milk and chickens will always produce eggs. If we don’t consume these products, they will overcrowd our planet. We will drown in a sea of dairy. Not convinced yet by my flawless logic? Read on, my friend.
1. We are at the top of the food chain.
It took millions of years of evolution for us to reach the top of the food chain, so it would be a disgrace to our ancestors to give up all their hard work and stop eating the animals they once had to dominate. We can’t just let cavemen down.
2. Plants feel pain, too.
I once plucked a leaf off of a flower and a few days later, it shriveled up and died. Case closed.
3. I tried being vegan once and felt really unhealthy.
For, like, a few days (okay maybe around 10 hours) I tried going vegan. That meant I mostly ate peanut butter, Oreos, and unfrosted blueberry pop tarts (the frosted ones contain gelatin – who knew?). It was delicious but I felt like crap afterwards. Hence, the vegan diet is obviously terrible for you.
4. Cows explode if you don’t milk them.
This is a true statement.
5. Eating too many plants causes global warming.
Plants take in carbon dioxide and release oxygen, thus absorbing all that CO2 in the atmosphere that contributes to global warming. But if everyone became vegans, people would begin eating way too many plants, and there would less CO2 absorption. More CO2 = more global warming. This is pure science.
6. We have canine teeth.
We are predators. We are meant to eat meat.
7. Cows will take over the world.
Worldwide, there are around 1.5 billion cows and bulls—that’s about 1/7th of the entire human population. Imagine what would happen if we stopped eating them; we would be overrun with wandering farm animals. Sure, they’re cute and all, but is this really practical?
There you have it: seven scientifically-proven, totally sound reasons to not go vegan. So next time you reach for a steak or a glass of goat milk, don’t feel guilty—feel proud. You are actually saving the world from an invasion, one cow at a time.