It’s the opening night for Sausage Party, and I’m at the first showing with my friend Heather. Obviously, we were quite excited about this movie. The moment Heather showed me the trailer a few months ago I knew that we had to see it together. It looked absolutely hilarious. I mean, food coming to life and becoming aware of people eating it? Brilliant, absolutely brilliant (and it helps that I’m a 5-year-old at heart and can’t get enough cartoons).
The basic premise for Sausage Party is that all supermarket products from peanut butter to tampons to toilet paper are sentient. These supermarket goods believe that humans are gods who are choosing them for a better life in the great beyond. In reality, humans are savages, murdering the food by eating them. In this movie, Frank, a sausage, discovers the truth and tries to warn the rest of the supermarket.
Sausage Party is hilarious, fast-paced, and clever, yet also dumb, surprising, and kind of traumatizing. Here are seven things I learned by watching Sausage Party (Warning: spoilers ahead).
1. Beware of douches because douches are evil.
Movie: Douche is a maniacal douche who becomes a little bent out of shape when he is thrown from a shopping cart. He kills food and drinks their juice, thus becoming bigger and stronger (though I’m pretty sure he’s also on steroids). Douche becomes so strong he takes control of Darren, the human store manager, by inserting himself in Darren’s anus. Douche is a cannibal, a serial killer, and a rapist.
Real life: Douche gives douches a bad name, as he should, since douching is bad for you. Douching is where a woman cleans the inside of her vagina with water or other mixtures of fluids. According to womenshealth.gov, doctors recommend not douching because it changes the natural bacteria and pH of the vagina which can lead to a vaginal infection. The vagina is self-cleaning so don’t bother with a douche.
2. Bath salts: Not even once.
Movie: So there’s this junkie who buys bath salts from this guy in a janky car. The junkie is thinking that these bath salts are going to give a killer high. He was right. It was killer. Once the junkie injects the bath salts, his food comes to life, which understandably freaks him out. Ultimately, he is decapitated in an event caused by the food.
At the end of the movie, the supermarket goods inject all of the supermarket customers with bath salts and then try to reason with them. Since humans often don’t listen to reason and try to kill the food, the food ends up murdering them all.
Real life: Bath salts are a psychoactive drug with serious consequences. According to drugabuse.gov, bath salts can cause paranoia, hallucinations, delirium, and even death. It is also quite addictive. Take the recent case of the FSU student who murdered two people and ate the face of one due to flacca, a drug very similar to bath salts. If you come away with one thing from this movie: Don’t do bath salts.
3. Food can and will kill you if you let it.
Movie: Humans were brutally murdering food and eating them. Lettuce, chips, and even baby carrots, no one was safe. But the food takes its bloody revenge in the end. As I said before, several people were killed by food. One guy had his head chopped off with an ax, while another guy was crushed by a falling display.
Real life: Food thankfully isn’t alive so it can’t actually behead you or blow you up, but it can work from the inside out and lead to your death. According to professor of psychiatry Walter Kaye, 4.0% of people with eating disorders die from anorexia, 3.9% of bulimia, and 5.2% of non-specified eating disorders.
Food can also cause high blood pressure, which can lead to heart disease, stroke, and high blood sugar, which can lead to Type 2 Diabetes. Not always, but often people with high blood pressure and high blood sugar are obese, and almost 300,000 deaths per year are due to obesity. An unhealthy relationship with food can have unhealthy consequences, as Sausage Party showed.
4. Don’t discriminate against food.
Movie: The bagel Sammy Bagel Jr. and the lavash Kareem Abdul Lavash hate each other, seemingly mirroring the Israeli-Palestinian conflict. They don’t want anything to do with the other. However, in the end Sammy and Kareem realize that they actually are not that different, and they become lovers.
Real life: Different cultures and different countries have different types of food. Step out of your comfort zone, and try something you’ve never tasted. You never know what you might like.
5. Food porn has a whole other meaning that will be forever burned in your mind.
Movie: I’m going to keep it short for you, but imagine a sausage in a hot dog bun. And then imagine a sausage sliding through not only a hot dog bun but a bagel, lavash, and a taco shell. Then imagine every single food in the supermarket in a gigantic orgy.
Also, remember all of these foods are alive and have little arms, legs, eyes, and mouths. Yup, this was the end of the climax of Sausage Party (pun intended). Just when you thought porn couldn’t get weirder, it did.
Real life: Food can’t have orgies because, luckily, it’s not alive. But who knows? In some alternate universe, our food could be partying like it’s 1999. As for now, I’m good with all the yolk porn and mouthwatering pictures of food that we classify as “food porn.”
6. Every type of food has someone out there who loves it.
Movie: Barry is a deformed sausage and he’s left all alone during the food orgy mentioned before. Suddenly, the bumping and grinding crowd parts and Barry sees her: a squished hot dog bun. So romantic, I know. Then they join in the food orgy, which is a little less cute.
Real life: Believe it or not, most food has someone out there who loves it. Like I said before, don’t discriminate against food. And even if you taste something, and you think it’s the nastiest thing on earth, there’s probably someone out there who loves it. I hate Brussels sprouts. My grandma somehow loves Brussels sprouts. How? I don’t know, but different people have different tastes.
7. A party isn’t complete without some alcohol to spice it up.
Movie: In Sausage Party, the alcohol aisle is where to be if you’re looking to party. They are up and at it from the moment the store closes to the moment the store opens. There is no stopping them.
Real life: All of this is pretty much true, just go to any college party.
I totally recommend Sausage Party, and it has some good points along with the humor. However, make sure you don’t take any children or your parents unless you want some extreme awkwardness during the food orgy.