There are three key components to every college town. A college. A town. And a late-night pizza place. Penn State has Canyon. Gettysburg has Pizza House. Rhodes has Beekers. Nova has Campus Corner. UPenn has Allegro’s. The list goes on and on.
Here at Colgate, we have Hamilton’s very own Slices. On only my second night at Colgate, I was lucky enough to walk through Slices’ doors and have my first glorious plain slice with a side of ranch. And I never looked back. But I’m not here to waste my time preaching about how our late-night pizza is the best late-night pizza because that’s a claim that every college student tries to make. (Even though ours really is the best, just ask Buzzfeed)
I am a lover of many things. Two of the highest items on that list are late-night pizza and the hilariously classic 90’s sitcom Friends. If you’ve ever watched more than one episode of Friends (and if you haven’t, I feel bad for you) then you know that one of its main characters, the ever-charming Joey Tribbiani, is perhaps the world’s greatest pizza enthusiast. He might just love pizza more than I do, which is no easy feat. And so to that end, who better than Joey to help me outline just a few of the many, many experiences you have had at Slices (or Canyon, or Campus Corner) that you may, or may not, remember.
1. I want to leave this party for pizza
It’s late. You’re tired and you’re hungry, a lethal combination. And you have one thing on your mind: a cheesy, greasy slice slathered in ranch dressing. Your friends, however, are still dancing like wild animals and refuse to leave the Jug/frat party/townhouse that you’re currently at. And so, determined to make your way to Slices no matter the cost, you throw a teeny tiny temper tantrum (some screaming/kicking/crying is probably involved) in the middle of the room and do not stop until you are all on your way to the pizza mecca.
2. People don’t want pizza…
You’ve just arrived at Slices. The line is almost out the door, and there is pizza as far as the eye can see. It smells heavenly. You can practically taste your slice. Just as you’re about to go up to the counter, your friend turns to you and asks if you want to split an order of wings tonight, or maybe some chicken fingers. At first, all you can do is stare at them blankly. And then you loudly and angrily reprimand them for even suggesting such a blasphemous thing.
3. Someone (a crazy person) wants to split a Slice
Finally, the time has come. You’re about to place your order. And then it will only be a matter of minutes until the workers (angels) at Slices hand you the edible treasure that you’ve been looking forward to all night. But right as you open your mouth to order, your friend (the very same friend who also suggested you order wings, mind you) has the audacity to ask if you would “kinda, sorta, maybe, possibly” like to share a slice tonight because they “really just aren’t that hungry.” Do I really have to explain what happens next here?
4. How many Slices is TOO many Slices?
Ignoring the ghastly request to share food from your now ex-friend, you place your order. One slice with a side of ranch, please. Wait a second, you need more food than that. You’re a growing college student, after all! You need nourishment. Okay, two slices. No! Three. Yes, three slices, please. Actually, can I just have a whole pie? Or, like, two whole pies? Scratch that, three whole pies. Yes, that should be enough. With a side of ranch, of course. Please and thank you!
5. The moment we’ve all been waiting for
There’s nothing quite like that first bite of your slice. That cheese. That sauce. That crust. It’s like rediscovering everything that is good and right and fair in this world. It’s an indescribable, incomparable experience. It is probably one of the greatest joys you have ever known in your young life.
6. Welcome to the world, food baby
One slice quickly turns into two slices. Three slices. Four. Five. Six. You feel like you’re on an episode of Man V. Food. You are an eating machine. You are unstoppable. There is no pizza on Earth that you cannot conquer. It’s like your stomach has transformed into some sort of bottomless pit. And then suddenly, like a marathoner reaching his twenty-fourth mile, you hit the wall. The pain is unbearable. You may never eat again. May your soul rest in peace.
7. How did this happen?!
Somehow, in a practically debilitating food coma, you stumble out of slices and slowly waddle home. Your stomach is now roughly four times its original size, and everything is just one big blur of garlic and crust flour. Once again, the pizza got the best of you. But next time, you will be stronger. You vow to yourself that you will never let things get this out of hand again.
At least, until tomorrow night.