9:00 am: Wake up. Brush your teeth. Take a shot of the various alcoholic liquids you smuggled into your Quad room.
9:30 am: Put on the fling tank you’ve been psyched about wearing for three weeks. Go to Bui’s and get a power breakfast of a bacon egg and cheese. Actually, get two —you’ll need the fuel.
10:00 am: Wash down your Lyn’s with some coffee splashed heavily with Bailey’s. Wake and drank baby.
11:00 am: You’ve managed to smuggle a flask of jungle juice somewhere on your body and it’s officially time to scope out the quad. Immediately head to the fried Oreo station for the second part of your balanced breakfast. Ask for extra powdered sugar.
12:00 pm: By this point you’ve enjoyed the quad and are ready to darty. On your way up to the 40’s, stop by Allegro’s and grab an order of mozz sticks. Try not to be too destructive while you’re there.
1:30 pm: Time for Mister Softee. He’s around somewhere. Find him. Suddenly your life depends on a vanilla soft serve with rainbow sprinkles.
4:00 pm Dartying is exhausting and you need a reboot. Take the trek to Koch’s for a massive corned beef sandwich. While you’re in line waiting, enjoy being hand fed slices of meats and cold cuts by a friendly man.
4:15 pm: Koch’s wasn’t enough! MORE FOOD. You drunkenly realize Honest Tom’s is near and make a run for it. You sprint to the door and shout your order for steak tacos, extra guac.
4:30 pm: Sweet. Now you need sweet. Lil Pop Shop calls your name from next door and you soon find yourself with an armful of pops. It’s your destiny to sit in the little chairs and enjoy all twelve flavors.
You’re dead. You’re in a drunken food stupor. No more food. No more room. Go home. You’re flung.