There are a lot of things we shamefully pride ourselves on: making it to an 8 a.m. more than five times a semester, watching Netflix for 12+ hours and drinking an entire bottle of wine in one night. You learn coffee is your lord and savior for classes earlier than noon, and that finishing a season of Lost is nothing short of a feat in itself. But there are seven particular things you learn after polishing off a bottle of Pinot Noir by yourself:
1. You are going to cry.
There’s just no avoiding it.
2. You feel like a classy badass when you drink straight from the bottle.
Mmm. Backwash. Yum.
3. But soon quickly realize you’re the opposite of classy.
There’s something called drunken stupidity and you’ve probably reached that threshold.
4. Even if you do throw up and regret last night’s choices, Thirsty Thursday will probably entail some sort of wine.
Because wine is made from grapes, and grapes are fruits, and fruits are healthy. Might as well drink your way to liver damage with alcohol that tastes good.
5. Did I mention you’re going to cry?
And probably over some deep dark secret you just spilled to your friends. That, or over an irrelevant person who dumped you in the ninth grade.
6. You just have so much love in you and hugs sound like the best way to show your love.
What is personal space?
7. Sleeping sounds ten thousand times better when you’re wine drunk.
If you can even make it to bed.